Archives August 2011

Being able to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term, so you can enjoy greater rewards in the long term, is the #1 INDISPENSIBLE requirement for success. Brian Tracy

What do marshmallows have to do with predicting your weight loss success or lack thereof?

Hmmmm…

If you put a marshmallow in front of a four-year old and told ‘em they could eat it immediately or wait until you returned and they’d get another one, what’d they do?

Whadayareckon?

Well… in the 60s at Stanford University, Walter Mischel did this exact test with 650 four-year-olds.

And they video-ed the kids’ reactions.

Some of them gobbled the marshmallow immediately.

Some looked at it, smelled it, touched it but didn’t eat it.

Others walked around and hummed songs to distract themselves.

One even licked the space on the table surrounding the marshmallow!

Based on how they performed in the marshmallow experiment, the children were rated on a scale: LOW DELAYERS snaffled the marshmallow instantly. HIGH DELAYERS were the ones who waited the 15 minutes and received a second marshmallow.

Yum.

Over the next 40 years, Stanford researchers tracked these children.

And…

… to many people’s surprise… there’s been significant correlation between where the four-year-old placed on the marshmallow scale and specific aspects of their lives: body-mass index, stress management, career success, ability to maintain friendships and, drug and alcohol consumption.

The high delaying children achieved more success in their careers and had healthier life style statistics than their low delaying classmates.

In fact, a child “who could wait 15 minutes had an SAT score that was, on average, two hundred and ten points higher than that of the kid who could wait only 30 seconds,” according to the article, ‘Don’t! The secret of self-control’ in the May 18 issue of The New Yorker.

Your turn now…

What are “marshmallows” in your life? In your personal life? In your professional life? And specifically, what are your marshmallows on your weight loss journey?

What are the activities which give you immediate gratification but undermine your longer-range goals?

The desire to please everyone is a big marshmallow.

The desire to be all things to all people is a huge marshmallow.

“Tomorrow I’ll start choosing healthy options,” is one of the biggest marshmallow of ‘em all.

Share and inspire… in the comments section below…what are your marshmallows? And what are you going to DO about them, now you’ve recognised ‘em?

Marshmallow-y love etc, Avril

So there I was at my girl friend’s house.

She was overwhelmed, cross and drained. She lamented about her clients who were calling at the weekend, early in the morning, even late Friday night.

No one was honouring her schedule.

I told her something I learned years ago while watching day time telly.

Day time television? No really… this is good.

It’s from American psychologist and talk show host-with-the-most, Dr Phil McGraw, and it’s a fundamental truth that has served me (and my clients) very well indeed.

It is this:

WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US.

Her eyes lit up. She couldn’t believe it was that simple. And the more we talked, the more excited she got. Cue happy dance.

So, what does it mean?

It means you either teach people to treat you with respect, or you don’t.

It means you’re (partly) responsible for the mistreatment that you get at the hands of someone else.

It means you shape others’ behaviour when you teach them what they can and cannot get away with.

Wow. It’s a head spinner.

In other words…

Stop blaming other folks in your life for not magically knowing your rules…especially if you never enforce them yourself.

Quit getting grouchy when people fail to read your mind and don’t miraculously meet your expectations.

Stop expecting others to know exactly what you want…especially if you don’t have the cojones to voice your wants aloud.

I am NOT pointing the finger here, ladies. Lawd knows…. I’ve ticked the boxes above. Frequently.

Here are four simple steps for teaching people how to treat you.

1. Start By Knowing What You WANT. And What You DON’T Want.

Pick an area of your life where you want to be treated differently. Get clear on how you’d like to be treated. And get crystal clear on what you will no longer tolerate.

Think about your words, your actions and even your use of silence. We use all of these when we teach others how to treat us.

For example, if you choose to stay in a conversation while someone is belittling you, then you’re teaching them that this behaviour is okay dokes by you. You’re basically saying, “more of this please”.

A-haaaaaa.

<<sound of penny dropping>>

Now, let’s apply this to weight loss.

If your partner cooks scrumptious meals but becomes Senor Martyr when you eschew second helpings, you might decide, “I eat what my body requires to be replete, and NO more. Irrespective of hurt / sarky / unhelpful comments tossed my general direction by the cook.”

And to conspire for your success, go on, be kind and have a chat about your recent decision. You need to remind your partner that when you refuse second helpings, it’s only the calories you’re pushing away, NOT them.

Simple hey.

But it’s amazing how many of us put up with these sabotage-y interactions E.V.E.R.Y.D.A.Y. because we aren’t clear on what we want. And we’re vague about what we won’t tolerate.

You MUST learn to stand up for your wants and don’t wants. If you don’t… who will?

2. Find Your Triggers.

If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, ask yourself what you’re doing to reinforce or allow that treatment.

Choose one situation where you feel mistreated. Ask yourself, “How do I allow this to happen?”

Dig deep.

Real deep.

A little deeper now.

You’ll be amazed to see how often you unwittingly choose to ignore your own needs. And then get cross about it.

This process can show you where you get triggered.

For instance, you might be tempted to say, “Well, I don’t have a choice! He makes me feel guilty if I don’t eat the third helping / do it his way / keep him happy!”

There, my friend, is your trigger.

G U I L T.

Acknowledge that you allowed the situation so that you could avoid feeling guilty.

Then, recognise that guilt is your trigger.

It’s this guilt which’ll tempt you to abdicate responsibility for your own needs.

Once you are aware of your triggers you’ll recognise them when they next appear and be able to make a different choice.

And you know this already…there WILL be a next time. As they say the lesson will re-appear until you’ve learned it. Mother Nature’s great like that, ain’t she!

3. Practice Makes Perfect.

One reason people struggle with this is that they wait until they’re triggered before they attempt to set boundaries.

Please P L E A S E PLEASE don’t communicate when you’re in a highly-charged emotional state. By then…and we’ve ALL been here (!!!) … there’s NO way you’re teaching people how to treat you.

Instead you’re blaming, finger-pointing, arse-covering and making yourself the victim.

Uncool.

We’re cool chicas. We don’t do that.

Instead, chill out, wait, get calm, then go back to Step #2.

Here’s the really great news.You can declare any relationship ‘reopened for negotiation’ any time you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is decades old can be redefined. Before you re-open the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of love, strength and power, not fear and self-doubt.

4. Teach YOU How to Treat You.

Not everyone is going to honour your requests. C’est la vie.

Fortunately… YOU can teach YOU to treat YOU well.

If you want others to treat you with respect, make sure you treat yourself with respect. If you want others to love you, you better lead by example and give some lovin’ to yourself.

You MUST include yourself in your equation.

If you’ve told your clients that you don’t take business calls on weekends, then YOU don’t make business calls on weekends. And you don’t receive calls either.

Easy aye : )

So peeps, pay attention to how you are teaching others to treat you…how you are treating you….and make sure it is the lesson you want them to learn.

Love etc, Avril

…even when … ESPECIALLY WHEN … you don’t believe in yourself.

Let’s say you get yourself a puppy from the SPCA.

Your bundle of fluff is the cutest woofer in the history of the world.

OK, so you might be a bit biased.

You love your pup. You celebrate its eyes opening, its first shaky steps.

From cover to cover you devour the latest canine guru’s guide to house training……and, the very next day, your pup uses the litter tray.

All. By. Itself.

“Good boooooooooooooooooy!” you cheer, clapping your hands with glee.

“This is one clever dog,” you think to yourself. “This is eaaasy.”

Later that evening, you’re lying on the carpet in front of the fire, playing with your pup-ster.

Without warning, your perfect pooch poops over your favourite wool rug.

“Oh noooooo,” you whine.

“Crap,” laments your partner.

“Well, I guess that’s it. This one just isn’t smart enough to be house-trained,” your friend chimes in.

“It just wasn’t meant to be. Bummer,” you agree.

Disappointed, you put the pup in its kennel. In your head you’ve already fast forwarded to tomorrow when you’ll head to the mall to buy some doggy nappies because clearly your dog’s NEVER going to get the idea of house-training.

<<Sigh>>

End of story.

I know, it’s an extreme example….but you get the idea, hey.

And yet, how many of us act like this towards ourselves with our own new beginnings?

Your project.
Your dream.
Your weight loss goal …

…is your new puppy.

We never give up on our woofers … yet how many of us can say that, hand on heart, about ourselves and our dreams?

I’m NOT pointing the finger! Just askin’.

How’d you like to know the best way to create ANYTHING? Especially when you don’t believe?

Here tis…

Tiddler Steps

Every big goal can be chunked down into baby steps. Minuscule lurches forward.

Sometimes they’re messy. Sometimes they don’t even seem to make an impact.

But this is how anything gets done.

Many years of reckless eating gets shifted one work-out at a time.
Plan a 15-minute work-out five days per week…NOT “I must lose 15 kilograms by next week.”

That’s how it works.

Stinks, doesn’t it?

Actually, no.

This is the good news that no one ever tells you.

When you get this concept, you’ll never be afraid of failure again. When you learn how to break a goal down into baby steps, then you have the key to doing anything.

When you understand that everyone falls down (craps in inappropriate places), then you need ONLY to trust in your strength to get back up again. And again.

THE ONLY BLOCK IS YOUR EGO.

Your ego wants it to be done right now. Your ego wants to move through life free from ALL risks: foolish-free, discouragement-free, mistake-free.

And the best way to trick your ego (and yourself) into letting go a little bit is to take those tiddler steps.

Tiddler steps take courage. And they’re a huge risk to your ego because they are E.A.S.Y.

Your ego (and everyone else’s – mine too!) wants major, fast accomplishments, right bla-de now!

It’s this All or Nothing Thinking that guarantees you’ll stay stuck and never take the steps you need to take to get the result you’re after.

You can accomplish anything if you break the task down into small enough chunks.

Taking this tiddler steps concept to a curious level is a French chap. He ate an aeroplane. You read that right. He ATE an aeroplane. How’d he do it? Easy. He broke the metal into tiny pieces and ate small amounts over a period of months. It sure gives ‘aeroplane food’ a whole new meaning…

Not for a second am I suggesting you eat an aeroplane, because that’d just be silly. But it does rather prove a point, doesn’t it.  And it’s a great metaphor for achieving your weight loss goal. Microscopic steps and anything is possible.

Putting This Into Action.

Take your weight loss goal (or any goal you want to accomplish by the end of this year), and ask yourself,

“What one tiddler step could I take every day to complete this goal?”

And then (and this is the big challenge) get out your calendar and schedule it in daily for the rest of 2011.

That’s all.
That’s enough.
Go get started on YOUR (metaphoric) aeroplane right now.

Love etc, Avril