Archives 2011

So let me get this right…see that we’re on the same page.

You’re telling me that you’ll feel happier when you lose those extra kilograms.

Yes?

If you found yourself nodding “ah yeeeeah” then you’re amongst the resounding majority of women I speak to every day.

My next question is always…

(Since you think that losing weight will make you happy…)

“Do you believe you deserve to be happy?”

And the answer is … silence.

Comprehending silence.

Long pauses accompanied by tears.

Here’s the thing, darling. If you don’t believe that you deserve to be happy there will never be enough space for your slimmer self to show up.

Here’s why.

If deep down you don’t believe you have the right to be happy you’ll find plenty of ways to sabotage your weight loss goals.

Rest assured, now and then, EVERYONE on the planet feels pangs of being ‘not quite good enough’. We all have thoughts of being ‘undeserving’ of happiness.

The key is to NOT entertain these thoughts.

Don’t resist them either.

Simply allow yourself to notice them and say, “Hmmm…isn’t that curious? or “I’m having that weird thought again…so what?” and redirect your attention.

When these thoughts of being undeserving pop up, allow them to simply pass over your mind like wind over water.

Let ’em go.

Not indulging in undeserving thoughts is a LEARNABLE skill and an ABSOLUTE MUST if you want to get to (and remain at) your happy weight.

Here’s the thing: you can either focus on your self-doubts and feelings of being undeserving OR you can focus on great health and your happy weight…As Is Your Birth Right.

I suggest the latter.

I encourage you to read the magical words below and notice how the residual feelings of being undeserving of health, happiness and attaining your happy weight melt away… into the land of illusion …from whence they came.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, “Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?”
Actually, who are you not to be?
You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It is not just in some of us; it’s in EVERYONE.
And as we let our own light shine … we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear … our example automatically liberates others.”

These delightful words of deserving by Marianne Williamson, as cited in Nelson Mandela’s Inaugural Speech, 1994.

Sweetheart…YOU deserve to be slim, happy and healthy…starting right now.

Love etc, Avril

Being able to discipline yourself to delay gratification in the short term, so you can enjoy greater rewards in the long term, is the #1 INDISPENSIBLE requirement for success. Brian Tracy

What do marshmallows have to do with predicting your weight loss success or lack thereof?

Hmmmm…

If you put a marshmallow in front of a four-year old and told ‘em they could eat it immediately or wait until you returned and they’d get another one, what’d they do?

Whadayareckon?

Well… in the 60s at Stanford University, Walter Mischel did this exact test with 650 four-year-olds.

And they video-ed the kids’ reactions.

Some of them gobbled the marshmallow immediately.

Some looked at it, smelled it, touched it but didn’t eat it.

Others walked around and hummed songs to distract themselves.

One even licked the space on the table surrounding the marshmallow!

Based on how they performed in the marshmallow experiment, the children were rated on a scale: LOW DELAYERS snaffled the marshmallow instantly. HIGH DELAYERS were the ones who waited the 15 minutes and received a second marshmallow.

Yum.

Over the next 40 years, Stanford researchers tracked these children.

And…

… to many people’s surprise… there’s been significant correlation between where the four-year-old placed on the marshmallow scale and specific aspects of their lives: body-mass index, stress management, career success, ability to maintain friendships and, drug and alcohol consumption.

The high delaying children achieved more success in their careers and had healthier life style statistics than their low delaying classmates.

In fact, a child “who could wait 15 minutes had an SAT score that was, on average, two hundred and ten points higher than that of the kid who could wait only 30 seconds,” according to the article, ‘Don’t! The secret of self-control’ in the May 18 issue of The New Yorker.

Your turn now…

What are “marshmallows” in your life? In your personal life? In your professional life? And specifically, what are your marshmallows on your weight loss journey?

What are the activities which give you immediate gratification but undermine your longer-range goals?

The desire to please everyone is a big marshmallow.

The desire to be all things to all people is a huge marshmallow.

“Tomorrow I’ll start choosing healthy options,” is one of the biggest marshmallow of ‘em all.

Share and inspire… in the comments section below…what are your marshmallows? And what are you going to DO about them, now you’ve recognised ‘em?

Marshmallow-y love etc, Avril

So there I was at my girl friend’s house.

She was overwhelmed, cross and drained. She lamented about her clients who were calling at the weekend, early in the morning, even late Friday night.

No one was honouring her schedule.

I told her something I learned years ago while watching day time telly.

Day time television? No really… this is good.

It’s from American psychologist and talk show host-with-the-most, Dr Phil McGraw, and it’s a fundamental truth that has served me (and my clients) very well indeed.

It is this:

WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US.

Her eyes lit up. She couldn’t believe it was that simple. And the more we talked, the more excited she got. Cue happy dance.

So, what does it mean?

It means you either teach people to treat you with respect, or you don’t.

It means you’re (partly) responsible for the mistreatment that you get at the hands of someone else.

It means you shape others’ behaviour when you teach them what they can and cannot get away with.

Wow. It’s a head spinner.

In other words…

Stop blaming other folks in your life for not magically knowing your rules…especially if you never enforce them yourself.

Quit getting grouchy when people fail to read your mind and don’t miraculously meet your expectations.

Stop expecting others to know exactly what you want…especially if you don’t have the cojones to voice your wants aloud.

I am NOT pointing the finger here, ladies. Lawd knows…. I’ve ticked the boxes above. Frequently.

Here are four simple steps for teaching people how to treat you.

1. Start By Knowing What You WANT. And What You DON’T Want.

Pick an area of your life where you want to be treated differently. Get clear on how you’d like to be treated. And get crystal clear on what you will no longer tolerate.

Think about your words, your actions and even your use of silence. We use all of these when we teach others how to treat us.

For example, if you choose to stay in a conversation while someone is belittling you, then you’re teaching them that this behaviour is okay dokes by you. You’re basically saying, “more of this please”.

A-haaaaaa.

<<sound of penny dropping>>

Now, let’s apply this to weight loss.

If your partner cooks scrumptious meals but becomes Senor Martyr when you eschew second helpings, you might decide, “I eat what my body requires to be replete, and NO more. Irrespective of hurt / sarky / unhelpful comments tossed my general direction by the cook.”

And to conspire for your success, go on, be kind and have a chat about your recent decision. You need to remind your partner that when you refuse second helpings, it’s only the calories you’re pushing away, NOT them.

Simple hey.

But it’s amazing how many of us put up with these sabotage-y interactions E.V.E.R.Y.D.A.Y. because we aren’t clear on what we want. And we’re vague about what we won’t tolerate.

You MUST learn to stand up for your wants and don’t wants. If you don’t… who will?

2. Find Your Triggers.

If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, ask yourself what you’re doing to reinforce or allow that treatment.

Choose one situation where you feel mistreated. Ask yourself, “How do I allow this to happen?”

Dig deep.

Real deep.

A little deeper now.

You’ll be amazed to see how often you unwittingly choose to ignore your own needs. And then get cross about it.

This process can show you where you get triggered.

For instance, you might be tempted to say, “Well, I don’t have a choice! He makes me feel guilty if I don’t eat the third helping / do it his way / keep him happy!”

There, my friend, is your trigger.

G U I L T.

Acknowledge that you allowed the situation so that you could avoid feeling guilty.

Then, recognise that guilt is your trigger.

It’s this guilt which’ll tempt you to abdicate responsibility for your own needs.

Once you are aware of your triggers you’ll recognise them when they next appear and be able to make a different choice.

And you know this already…there WILL be a next time. As they say the lesson will re-appear until you’ve learned it. Mother Nature’s great like that, ain’t she!

3. Practice Makes Perfect.

One reason people struggle with this is that they wait until they’re triggered before they attempt to set boundaries.

Please P L E A S E PLEASE don’t communicate when you’re in a highly-charged emotional state. By then…and we’ve ALL been here (!!!) … there’s NO way you’re teaching people how to treat you.

Instead you’re blaming, finger-pointing, arse-covering and making yourself the victim.

Uncool.

We’re cool chicas. We don’t do that.

Instead, chill out, wait, get calm, then go back to Step #2.

Here’s the really great news.You can declare any relationship ‘reopened for negotiation’ any time you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is decades old can be redefined. Before you re-open the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of love, strength and power, not fear and self-doubt.

4. Teach YOU How to Treat You.

Not everyone is going to honour your requests. C’est la vie.

Fortunately… YOU can teach YOU to treat YOU well.

If you want others to treat you with respect, make sure you treat yourself with respect. If you want others to love you, you better lead by example and give some lovin’ to yourself.

You MUST include yourself in your equation.

If you’ve told your clients that you don’t take business calls on weekends, then YOU don’t make business calls on weekends. And you don’t receive calls either.

Easy aye : )

So peeps, pay attention to how you are teaching others to treat you…how you are treating you….and make sure it is the lesson you want them to learn.

Love etc, Avril

…even when … ESPECIALLY WHEN … you don’t believe in yourself.

Let’s say you get yourself a puppy from the SPCA.

Your bundle of fluff is the cutest woofer in the history of the world.

OK, so you might be a bit biased.

You love your pup. You celebrate its eyes opening, its first shaky steps.

From cover to cover you devour the latest canine guru’s guide to house training……and, the very next day, your pup uses the litter tray.

All. By. Itself.

“Good boooooooooooooooooy!” you cheer, clapping your hands with glee.

“This is one clever dog,” you think to yourself. “This is eaaasy.”

Later that evening, you’re lying on the carpet in front of the fire, playing with your pup-ster.

Without warning, your perfect pooch poops over your favourite wool rug.

“Oh noooooo,” you whine.

“Crap,” laments your partner.

“Well, I guess that’s it. This one just isn’t smart enough to be house-trained,” your friend chimes in.

“It just wasn’t meant to be. Bummer,” you agree.

Disappointed, you put the pup in its kennel. In your head you’ve already fast forwarded to tomorrow when you’ll head to the mall to buy some doggy nappies because clearly your dog’s NEVER going to get the idea of house-training.

<<Sigh>>

End of story.

I know, it’s an extreme example….but you get the idea, hey.

And yet, how many of us act like this towards ourselves with our own new beginnings?

Your project.
Your dream.
Your weight loss goal …

…is your new puppy.

We never give up on our woofers … yet how many of us can say that, hand on heart, about ourselves and our dreams?

I’m NOT pointing the finger! Just askin’.

How’d you like to know the best way to create ANYTHING? Especially when you don’t believe?

Here tis…

Tiddler Steps

Every big goal can be chunked down into baby steps. Minuscule lurches forward.

Sometimes they’re messy. Sometimes they don’t even seem to make an impact.

But this is how anything gets done.

Many years of reckless eating gets shifted one work-out at a time.
Plan a 15-minute work-out five days per week…NOT “I must lose 15 kilograms by next week.”

That’s how it works.

Stinks, doesn’t it?

Actually, no.

This is the good news that no one ever tells you.

When you get this concept, you’ll never be afraid of failure again. When you learn how to break a goal down into baby steps, then you have the key to doing anything.

When you understand that everyone falls down (craps in inappropriate places), then you need ONLY to trust in your strength to get back up again. And again.

THE ONLY BLOCK IS YOUR EGO.

Your ego wants it to be done right now. Your ego wants to move through life free from ALL risks: foolish-free, discouragement-free, mistake-free.

And the best way to trick your ego (and yourself) into letting go a little bit is to take those tiddler steps.

Tiddler steps take courage. And they’re a huge risk to your ego because they are E.A.S.Y.

Your ego (and everyone else’s – mine too!) wants major, fast accomplishments, right bla-de now!

It’s this All or Nothing Thinking that guarantees you’ll stay stuck and never take the steps you need to take to get the result you’re after.

You can accomplish anything if you break the task down into small enough chunks.

Taking this tiddler steps concept to a curious level is a French chap. He ate an aeroplane. You read that right. He ATE an aeroplane. How’d he do it? Easy. He broke the metal into tiny pieces and ate small amounts over a period of months. It sure gives ‘aeroplane food’ a whole new meaning…

Not for a second am I suggesting you eat an aeroplane, because that’d just be silly. But it does rather prove a point, doesn’t it.  And it’s a great metaphor for achieving your weight loss goal. Microscopic steps and anything is possible.

Putting This Into Action.

Take your weight loss goal (or any goal you want to accomplish by the end of this year), and ask yourself,

“What one tiddler step could I take every day to complete this goal?”

And then (and this is the big challenge) get out your calendar and schedule it in daily for the rest of 2011.

That’s all.
That’s enough.
Go get started on YOUR (metaphoric) aeroplane right now.

Love etc, Avril

“That voice in your head is not the voice of God. It just sounds like it is.” Cheri Huber

Nothing takes the wind out of our sails more quickly than a few critical comments made by the wrong person at the wrong time.

How ironic then that the worst critic you’ll ever encounter is the one living rent-free in your own gorgeous head.

Ah-ha….you know what I’m talking about.

Imagine this…

You’re strolling down the street and a stranger yells, “Hey you…yeeeah you there…ya hopeless, undeserving lump of good-for-nothingness… that’s what you are.”

Nass-tay.

You’d respond, right? Of course you would. Something witty. And big and clever.

Since you’re a classy chica and pavement yelling matches are un-cool, you might not respond aloud but you’d certainly ‘talk back’ in your mind.

Which begs the question…..

Why don’t we talk back to the critic yelling in our own head?

Day after day, WE crucify OURSELVES with finger-pointing nass-tay-ness.
And don’t we don’t respond. (Either aloud OR in our minds).

We take it on the chin and, like anyone who’s been subjected to a barrage of criticism, we feel bruised and battered and, swiftly we head for the fridge, the vending machine or that third helping of chocolate cake.

Well, don’t we?!

Speaking to you as a reformed emotional overeater it is absolutely vital that you learn to have a meaningful conversation with your inner critic.

If you don’t learn how to ‘talk back’ and question the validity of its accusations, you’ll continue to hen-peck yourself with finger-pointing monologues.

And unabated… the overeating will continue.

Accusations of The Inner Critic

Our inner critics are very conversationally limited. The usual topic is you and your apparent imperfections.

– Unless you’re Size 0 perfection, you’re deeply deeply flawed.
– If they knew the ‘real’ you, they’d leave you.
– You’re NOT GOOD ENOUGH, so bring on the lack of confidence.
– It’s only time before they ALL find out you’re a fake.
– If you fail at something, it’s because YOU’RE a failure.

How’d you go?

If you ticked all of the above accusations and added a bunch of your own, you’re in good company.

Look at this exercise with a mindset of curiosity. It’s NOT a chance to beat yourself up. Awareness is 95% of the puzzle. You can ONLY change something once you are aware of it.

How To Tame Your Inner Critic

Here’s a gem of wisdom that can transform your life in an instant.

Just because you have a voice in your head – YOU DON’T NEED TO LISTEN TO IT.

Nah-aah!!!

You are NOT the conversation you have with yourself in your mind.

You may be thinking, “What conversation? What is she talking about?”

That one!

How would you like to disengage from the exhausting mental chatter?

Let’s go…

Here’s three tips you can use immediately to mute your inner critic so you can get on with igniting your thinner sparkle.

1. Next, please

The next time your head fills with disapproving voices, simply tell yourself, “next, please”. Remember, just because there’s a voice in our head doesn’t mean we have to listen to its pontifications.

You’d wouldn’t listen to a CD you don’t enjoy, so why would you listen to thoughts in your head that don’t serve you?

“Next, please.”

It’s YOUR head, you get to chose which tracks to play. Take ownership. Chose wisely and kindly.

2. Sod off, right now

Some clients take the strong language approach to handling their inner critics.

“Sod off!!!” works particularly well for one client.

Another tells her persistent negative thoughts to Foxtrot-Uniform-Charlie-Kilo Off. ..

Find out what works for you. Get creative and discover what specific wording gets you into a good resourceful emotional space when the inner critic kicks in.

3. Thank you

If “Next, please” or the stronger “Yo, take a running jump” approaches don’t work for you, there is a more graceful way.

One of the key roles of your unconscious mind is to keep you safe, which it achieves by keeping you in your comfort zone. Recognise the intention of the critical voice is positive.

And sometimes the three-year-old child in us all simply needs to hear, “Thank you, I hear you, I love you” and having heard this, off it will pop and play quietly.

Over the next week pay particular attention to how you talk to yourself. I encourage you to play and start having a chat with your inner critic.

Quit The Self-Abuse

It’s a curious aspect of human behaviour. We are always willing to take more abuse from ourselves than we would ever accept from anyone else.

With these three techniques you can quit subjecting yourself to self abuse. And start doing unto YOURSELF as you would have others do unto you.

Life is short.

And it’s also too darned long to live in a body at your unhappy weight or carry an inner voice that is critical.

So go on….have a chat with your inner critic and get your thinner sparkle on.

Love etc, Avril