Archives 2011

If you don’t learn to control your emotions you’ll NEVER learn to control your weight.

No messing around today, ladies.

I know what you’re thinking. “Whamo! No foreplay! She’s straight into it!”

With your permission, and a bit cheeky after that rough entry, I’d like to jump straight into it because it is absolutely VITAL that you get this.

May I?

Thank you : )

Have you ever found yourself beating a path to the fridge because of a feeling?

Sadness, anger, scared-ness?

Boredom, frustration, annoyance?

A show of hands please…so we can see we’re amongst friends.

Yup…all of us.

During your weight loss journey emotions will come up. Shed loads of them (that’s a technical term of measurement in Kiwiland).

Expect them.

On this journey you’ll be out of your comfort zone and that’ll trigger all sorts of fears and other garden-variety negative emotions that’ll feel UNCOMFORTABLE.

They’ll feel scary.

If you don’t learn how to deal with these emotions you’ll continue to beat a path to the fridge. You’ll continue to ignore that Do Not Disturb sign hanging on the door, and you will continue to overeat (and under-exercise).

Today I’m going to share with you three steps that will help you to deal with these emotions, so you can quit being the victim of them.

All strapped in? Let’s go…

Emotions And Us

Each and every one of us has a pattern of emotions. Although we have access to over 3,000 emotional states, most of us, out of habit, limit ourselves to just a few of them.

Play time….

Imagine your emotional spectrum as a piano. Wouldn’t you rather listen to a sonata in which the pianist uses the entire keyboard instead of limiting themselves to one or two octaves?

Or even duller…one or two notes?

Compare and contrast (the overplayed and uninspired) Chopsticks to the joy-invoking Hallelujah Chorus from Handel’s Messiah.

Chalk and cheese, aren’t they?

(If you’re not into classical music…it’s OK…you can still see what I’m saying because you’re a clever chica).

And yet that’s exactly what most of us do.

We develop a pattern, the emotional equivalent of Chopsticks, which becomes our habit, and we wonder why we feel…..well…… uninspired, emotionally-speaking.

Here’s the thing…

Emotions Are A Choice

Most people believe that our emotions ‘just turn up’. The key distinction is to appreciate that emotions are not something that just happen by chance… instead emotions are things that we choose and they become habitual.

We DO fear.

We DO anger.

We DO stress.

We DO love.

When you hear someone say that you can choose an emotion, your first thought might be that it’s impossible.

Emotions just are, aren’t they? Emotions happen!

“Maaaaaaaaan, I woke up in a grouchy mood and I couldn’t shake it ALL day.”

It takes a high degree of awareness, attention and persistence, but you can choose differently.

How you make a different choice is something that comes with practice. But it IS possible.

I encourage you to be open to that.

Have you ever been sitting at home crying because of a sad movie on the telly? The tears streaming down your face when the chap you fancy calls on the phone. How quickly do you go from boo hoo-ing to bright n perky? Pretty darn quick I’m guessing!

That, dear reader, is what’s called an emotional state change.

Read on and you’ll discover how you can do this for yourself… phone call from boyfriend is optional : )

Here’s Why It’s Important To Learn To Control Your Emotional State

Last week you discovered the enormous power Your Story has on determining whether you are your happy weight (or not).

State and Story are like happy lovers. They go hand in hand.

For example, when you’re in a terrific emotional state, your story will be a positive one too. And vice versa.

If you’re in a negative emotional state – stressed, frustrated, annoyed – you’ll create a negative “I suck at weight loss, I can’t do this,” story.

Hand in hand, state and story, strolling together.

I’m NOT saying you’ll never feel a negative emotion again. It’s important to play the entire keyboard of emotions.

What I AM saying is you must become skilled at spotting an emotional state that doesn’t serve you, and be able to move – with volition – to a resourceful emotional state, which does serve you.

All progress on your weight loss journey comes from breaking patterns which keep you stuck.

Here’s how to change your emotional state immediately, in three simple (not to be confused with easy) steps.

Step 1: Change your focus

What you focus on impacts how you feel. It’s shed loads (there’s that term again) easier to feel motivated and inspired into action when you focus on the good stuff in your life. Be appreciative.

Many people focus on what they don’t have (yet), and wonder why they feel uninspired. We’ve ALL got something for which to be grateful.

Step 2: Change your physiology

What you do with your body impacts how you feel. Slip a smile on that gorgeous face of yours. Breathe deeply into your tummy. Put your shoulders back. Eyes forward. Dance. Sing. Skip. Laugh.

Doing any, or even better, all of these things when you’re in an unresourceful state changes your biochemistry.

Laughter really is the best medicine. When you’re chuckling it’s impossible to be angry, sad or depressed.

Step 3: Change the meaning

This is absolute gold. Listen up, ladies.

Someone wise (I forget exactly who) realised, “It’s not what happens to us that matters, it’s our opinion of what happens, that matters.”

Aye?

For example, when you hit a plateau there’s a massive difference between deciding the plateau means, “Geez I really suck, I can’t do this, I’ll never be my happy weight” and “Hmmm, OK, so a plateau, less than ideal, I wonder what action I need to take this week to get a different result?”

See ladies, it’s exactly same situation – a weight loss plateau. But the ‘meaning’ you put on the event impacts whether you feel inspired or uninspired.

So there you have it. Three steps to controlling your emotional state so you can go from fed-up, frustrated and heading for the fridge to chilled, calm and composed. Or whatever state works for you.

You choose.

It does take practice. Like anything worth having in life, mother nature WILL test you to see just how much you want this.

It’s all good.

Be persistent.

Now go forth and practice your emotional mastery scales each and every day and become the conductor of your own sonata.

By answering the questions below you’ll develop the emotional muscle to assist you in your weight loss journey.

– What empowering emotions do you most often feel?
– How do you hold your body when you do these emotions?
– What do you focus on when you do these emotions?
– What disempowering emotions do you feel most often?
– How do you hold your body when you do these emotions?
– What do you choose to focus on when you do these emotions?

Inspire us in the comments section below. Share with us what you’re going to focus to get yourself into a resourceful state for your weight loss journey.

Love etc, and happy state changing 🙂

Welcome chicas.

So you’ve set yourself a magnetic goal. You’ve got a bunch of leverage on yourself and you’ve sussed potential obstacles.

Yee Ha.

That’s a super start, superstar.

What if I told you with 100% certainty that there’s something going on in that gorgeous head of yours which has the capacity to completely scupper your goal?

You’d be interested, right?

Hmmm. I thought you might.

The magic ingredient … with the power to make or break your goal is…..wait for it….

Your W.E.I.G.H.T. L.O.S.S. S.T.O.R.Y.

“Que? What the….?”

Let me explain…

Your story is something you’ve told yourself a scqwillion times* about why your weight is, or is not, a certain way.

It’s OK, you’re not a freak. We all have a weight loss story that we lug around with us. It’s part of being human.

We learn our story as a child and, as we grow up, we collect evidence for the story being true. Presently we get to where we forget it was just an idea and now treat it as gospel, so much so that we stop questioning it.

Our story then acts as a filter. We literally filter out any evidence that contradicts our story. We gather supporting evidence for our story and delete any contrary evidence. And it goes on unquestioned.

Our story becomes self-fulfilling. Even if it’s a limiting, unhelpful and painful story…. we find a way to live it out. Every time.

As if it’s not bad enough already….we get addicted to the story. We drag it around with us as our escape clause for when the going gets tough.

We get to say, “It’s not my fault I can’t lose weight, it’s just that I have this problem <<insert story here>> which is why I’m heavier than I want to be.”

How satisfying is that?

You’re right….not at all satisfying. No one in the history of the world felt replete on their story.

The problem with our stories is they preclude weight loss. You either have your story OR you have weight loss.

Not both.

One or the other.

Story or the weight loss.

Got it?

Weight loss or the story.

Good.

We clutch with both hands onto the story because on some level we feel it offers protection. It does the exact opposite. It keeps us stuck with excuse-i-tis, unhappy and overweight.

And we forget that it’s just a story WE MADE UP as a kid and we can re-write the script at any time.

And it’s an easy process.

Good aye 🙂

WARNING: tough love ahead

Some of you, c’mon … you know who you are… are thinking of skipping this section to get to the action bit because you’ll think, “yeah yeah, I understand this intellectually”.

If that’s you, let me ask you a question. Since when did being intellectual help you to lose weight?

You MUST complete today’s step in order to create the foundation for your successful weight loss journey.

Step 1 Identify your current story

Before you can rid yourself of your limiting story (ies) you’ve got to identify it so you can replace it with a supportive one.

Good let’s go…

The easiest way to discover your current story is by answering this question.

“Losing weight is hard for me because… “

…and permission granted to let your pen go crazy chica. Capture ALL the reasons bubbling to the surface in an attempt to defend that question.

You know the drill…don’t judge them, just write ‘em down. The longer the list the better.

Very rarely are these stories true but if you continue to talk about them like they gospel then you, lovely one, continue to be part of the problem.

So cut it out : )

Once you have a loooong list proceed to the next step.

Step 2 Introduce doubt

All stories can be changed if you introduce doubt. The minute you begin to question something you no longer really believe it.

Santa Claus anyone?!

Sometimes our old stories are reeeediculous and yet we grasp them out of habit.

The easiest way to introduce doubt is by seeing people who are achieving the exact thing you want and who have the same challenges you do. If you’re a busy overweight mum, find other busy happy-weight mums. If you’re menopausal and overweight, start noticing other menopausal women who aren’t overweight.

Trust me – they’re out there. It’s just up until now, because of your old story, you deleted any evidence of them.

I had a client whose story was, “It doesn’t matter what I eat, I’ll never lose the weight”. Whenever she found herself next to a box of chocolates, guess what happened.

That’s right, she scoffed the lot because, “I might as well eat the whole box of choccies” (since it doesn’t matter what I eat, I’ll never lose weight).

Crappy story = crappy thinking = crappy action = crappy result = weight gain.

Do you see how starting out with a limiting story ultimately leads to a negative result?

She agreed that if I put a Do Not Disturb sign on the fridge and feed her starvation rations (not a method I prescribe – but a girl’s got a point to prove) that indeed, yes, she could lose weight.

It was about now that she realised that by telling herself her old story she was giving herself the excuse to eat whatever she wanted. Remember: we always find a way to live out our stories. Not matter how much they hurt us.

If a story does not serve you let it go.

How you were defined as a child is not how you have to define yourself as an adult.

You have a choice. After all, once upon a time we all believed it was the tooth fairy who put that 50 cents under our pillow. I’m sure you don’t believe that story anymore.

Step 3 Practice makes perfect

The longer you’ve told yourself these lies, the more well-worn your neural path will be.

If this feels challenging – persist. Practice really does make perfect.

Now that you’ve discovered your old limiting story, you’ve introduced doubt, and replaced it with an inspirational and supportive one – go forth and practice.

Be proud of your new bestselling story and notice how much more satisfying your results are.

Bon appetite : )

We welcome you sharing your crummy old stories in the comments below. It’s helps us realise we’re not the only ones with fruit salad in our heads. Share the new bestselling stories too – they inspire us!

Love etc, Avril

PS: It is absolutely NOT necessary to plough up your past to discover from where a misguided story originated. Many people spend hundreds of hours in therapy trying to suss this out. I am happy to go on record as saying that it is unnecessary to know the origin.

Course if you’re intensely curious, knock yourself out. But to move forward, you need to realise that you are now an adult and your story is completely up to you. So get your pen out and start writing your new romance…..

*Most of my numbers are factual. This one, I admit, was pure fiction.

If you read the title and thought to yourself, “dull dull dull… I already know about goals”.

STOP RIGHT NOW

SIT TIGHT

READ ON

Goal setting is one of the most underrated aspects of weight loss.

Here’s the thing.

You’re either at your happy weight or you’re not.

If you’re in the latter group, why wouldn’t you do yourself a favour and set yourself some sexy goals so in a year’s time you’re not back here, still at your unhappy weight?

True or true, ladies?

Without goals you drift and when you drift you’re not in control. If you’re not in control, someone else is.

I too used to think goal setting was ho hum, a bit dreary. That was until a mentor showed me where I was going wrong.

My mentor taught me how to speak the language of my unconscious mind. And that’s a good thing as it’s the unconscious mind which is at the helm of all achievement, accomplishment and fulfilment.

Your unconscious mind is like a goal-getting compass. That’s the 90% of your mind which most people aren’t aware of and yet is extraordinarily powerful when given clear instructions.

But most of us don’t know how to skipper our unconscious mind so we continue to drift, all the while getting more and more frustrated when the scales don’t budge.

So who here would like to know the tips to giving good goal instruction? Great….here we go….

– What do you want, specifically?

Exactly what do you want to achieve? Avoid nebulous thinking and get reeeeeal clear on what you want.

“I want to be fit, healthy and weigh 65kgs” is specific.

While “I want to lose some weight”, isn’t.

The unconscious mind hears “I want to lose some weight” and thinks that by losing 1kg the goal is achieved.

You want to ditch more than 1kg? Tell it exactly how much. Get clear. Get specific.

– What do you want?

State your goal how you want it to be, NOT how you don’t want it.

Many people who want to lose weight have a long list of what they don’t want and no picture of what they DO want. They set themselves up for failure because the unconscious mind cannot process a negative. Here’s what I mean…

If you say “I don’t want a big tush”, your mind hears, “I want a big tush”, because it doesn’t hear the ‘don’t’.

Your mind has to focus on what you don’t want, and then think, “OK, so the opposite of that’, in order to make sense of what you do want. So make it easy for your mind and tell it what you DO want.

“I want a lovely, peachy bottom”…or whatever floats your boat 🙂

Remember, what do you want?

– It already exists

Another quirk of the unconscious mind is that it doesn’t distinguish between the truth and a lie. It simply accepts whatever you tell it.

So state your goal as if it is already done. Use words like “I am” not, “I will be”.

Your logical conscious mind may have issues with this language. That is expected, don’t fight it, instead accept that your goals are achieved by your unconscious.

So write, “I now weigh ______” not “I want to weigh ______”.

– Ditch the lose, losing, lost

The words ‘lose’, ‘lost’ and ‘losing’ have negative connotations to the unconscious mind. Think about how terrible you feel when you ‘lose your wallet’ or you ‘lost your mobile’ or ‘I am losing my mind’.

The unconscious mind doesn’t like ‘losing’ anything, and ‘losing’ weight is no exception.

Far better to say I am at my goal weight of ________ rather than ‘I have lost 10kgs’.

Or use I have binned, ditched or shed ______ kgs.

– Get sparkly with your language

Use lots of sensory-based language when you describe your ideal situation.

What will you be seeing, hearing, telling yourself, smelling, touching, feeling when you have achieved your goal?

Doing this gets your emotions in on the game and paints a magnetic picture which will pull you forward and inspire you.

There’s a big difference between:

“It is July 10th and I weigh 65kgs”.

and…

“It is July 10th, I weigh 65kgs, my clothes feel lose, I look great in the mirror, and my friends are telling me “you look hot babe”. I feel proud of myself because of all the new habits and discipline and persistence I have developed along the way and I am enjoying loving who I have become.

Have fun with it. Use colourful, engaging, magnetising language. Give yourself goose bumps.

If you write your goal like a list of factual bullet points you will not engage your unconscious mind.

– Scribble it

The act of writing your goals down engraves them into your unconscious. It makes them a reality, something that you can see, touch and smell.

If you don’t write it down you’ll lessen your chances of achieving it.

It doesn’t matter how you write them down. You might choose to draw them, or cut out photos and paste them in a book.

However you do it, just DO it.

– une obsession magnifique

Your goal has to be attractive and meaningful to you.

Not your partner.

You must want this for you.

Being obsessive about your goals means that your goal is only ever a blink away, it’s in the back of your mind. This may sound a bit extreme but if a goal is worth achieving, then it is worth some obsession.

Before you make any decision in your day-to-day activities ask yourself , “Will what I am about to do move me closer or further from my goal?”

So there you go, ladies.

Now you know the theory.

Get out your trusty pen, sit down alone, uninterrupted for 15 minutes and use the guidelines above to help you set some goals for yourself.

Let me know how you go in the comments below. That’s the 8th step in goal setting – public accountability!

Love etc, Avril

PS: Do you accept yourself now?

When we focus on our health goals for the future, it can sometimes seem as though we are rejecting who we are in the present.

Take a few minutes to stand in front of your mirror today and send love and approval to your body.

And know this: acceptance doesn’t mean that you don’t want to change something. It simply means that you are willing to accept that where you are now, is where you are now.

Hello ladies.

How’d you go with your homework from last week on Why Losing Weight Is An Absolute MUST For Me?

“What’s that? Your list of reasons is eight blocks long?”

Good on you, 10 outta 10 for Step 1.

Being aware of your reasons Why Weight Loss Is A Must is a vital step in your weight loss journey. The longer the list, the more leverage you have on yourself. And bay bee, leverage is a goooood thing.

Today we’re going to explore Step 2. It’s a deceptively simple step and one that is often overlooked by those who fail to lose weight.

Are you ready?

Here tis…Step 2.

Now what you need to do is the opposite of last week’s list. You need to write a list of Why Weight Loss Is Not What I Want.

Yup, you read that right.

You currently, even if you don’t know them consciously (yet), have a bunch of reasons for wanting to stay exactly as you are… ‘downsides’ to losing weight, if you will.

“Hang on Avril. With every fibre of my being I want to lose weight. It’s my one wish in the whole world. I don’t have annnnny reasons for NOT wanting to lose weight,” you insist.

Here’s the thing darling. If that was the case, you’d be your happy weight by now and you wouldn’t be sitting here reading this article on weight loss.

On some level you know it’s true. If you wanted, with every fibre of your being, to lose weight, you would have achieved the goal already. You would’ve found a way, by hook or by crook.

Which means there’s something blocking you.

I get that it sounds weird, but right now, there’s a part of you that is real keen on you staying exactly as you are. Sure this part wants change but NOT if it actually means changing anything!!!

It’s that part of you that wants to keep overeating and it’s that part of you that has no intention of ever sticking to an exercise plan, well not for more than five minutes anyway. It’s that part of you that sabotages your good intentions.

Every time.

“You what?”, I hear you chorus, “do I really have different ‘parts’ living inside me?”

Well…yes, you do.

It’s completely normal. You. Are. Not. A Freak.

It’s like there’s a part of you that wants weight loss and a part of you wants everything to stay the same. Forever. And ever.

It’s what’s known as an inner conflict.

You know that feeling. Indecision, self sabotage and on-and-off-again levels of motivation. It’s like there’s a tug-of-war going on inside your body.

No wonder you feel so exhausted.

In a nutshell, there’s a part of you that is motivated to lose weight. And there’s another part, often hidden in the recesses of your mind, that is super-motivated to keep overeating because it’s afraid it’ll lose something or have to give something up… as a result of you being your happy weight.

And it’s this exact thing that blocks you from achieving your weight loss goal.

Therefore it’s vital that you discover all the possible reasons your unconscious mind might have for thinking that there are Downsides To You Being Your Happy Weight.

If you don’t take the time to find out what these reasons might be, you’ll continue to self-sabotage and weight loss will remain tantalisingly out of your reach.

So Step 2 for you right now is answering the question:

The Downside To Me Being My Happy Weight Is…

Think for a moment. Look inside.

There’s no right or wrong here, just that little voice in your heart, that voice which is your truth.

I encourage you to be curious.

Give a voice to this part of you that keeps heading for the fridge or continues to eat long after your physical hunger has been satisfied. Listen kindly and see what it has to say.

And know this too. This overeating part of you, it has a positive intention. Even if right now you don’t know what that positive intention is. Trust that it has one.

So here goes….here are some examples as a starter for 10. Feel free to read these and allow them to trigger a list of your own.

The Downside To Me Being My Happy Weight Is…

When I’m angry, depressed, anxious, bored and lonely I head for the fridge. If I didn’t use food, what would I do instead?

Currently every time my boss talks down to me or takes me for granted, I head for the chocolate in the vending machine. If I didn’t turn to chocolate what would fill the gap?

Right now, I eat to calm my inner critic. If I didn’t eat, how would I keep the volume down?

Eating helps me make up for the deprivation I experienced as a child, and it helps me forget the past.

Perhaps you eat because your intimate relationships don’t satisfy some basic need like trust or security and you use food to fill that gap.

If your appetite kicks in when you’re faced with new challenges and you use food to avoid rising to the test, and on some level you feel that it protects you from the fear of failure, then, write that down.

Allow yourself to write down whatever comes up for you. There’s no need to analyse the list, simply allow yourself the gift of curious observation.

There’s no right or wrong around any of this, OK?

Today it’s simply about getting it down on paper. It’s about information gathering. It’s about listening to that voice which is full of positive intention that up until now has been sabotaging you. Once it’s out in the open, in your awareness, it can no longer ambush you.

By becoming consciously aware of the ways in which you currently use food, ways that you would have to give up in order to be your happy weight, then you’re setting yourself up for success.

Awareness creates choice. Go create yourself some choice by writing your own list. Notice as you compile the list that the tug-of-war is already lessening its power over you, simply through having awareness of what’s going on in the recesses of your mind.

Have fun.

Love etc, Avril

Many women who are in despair about carrying extra weight lament, “no matter what I do, I cannot lose weight”.

My question to these gorgeous ladies is always the same.

“Can’t or won’t”?

I sound like I’m being facetious. But it’s a well-intended question and comes from a place of love.

Here’s why I ask.

If you’re currently chunkier than you’d like to be and you tell yourself a similar story, you might want to seriously ponder the scenario below.

If I promised you that I would pay into your bank account one gazillion dollars if you lost the extra weight, I reckon you’d find a way to do it.

You would, wouldn’t you!

You’d find a way to make it happen.

Since you’re a smart woman so you can see why this is called the carrot approach.

Alternatively, if I took the opposite tack and told you that if you didn’t lose the extra weight, I’d sneak around to your home in the dead of night and kidnap everything and everyone that was near and dear to you, I reckon you’d also find the where-with-all to lose the weight.

Welcome to the stick approach.

Yes, I hear you. They are extreme examples. But they do prove the point rather well, don’t they.

You CAN lose weight.

We can all lose weight. It’s just that up until now, you haven’t discovered a compelling enough carrot or a stick scary enough to make it a MUST for you.

When your carrot or stick is MASSIVE, you will find a way to make weight loss happen.

We ALL have our hot buttons. It’s simply a matter of finding what they are. They are the key to your motivation. Think turbo-charged internal motivation switch.

When you get clear on Why Weight Loss Is A Must For Me in your own heart and mind, everything else falls elegantly into place. You’ll find a way around, over or under all of those trickster obstacles that you’ll come across on your weight loss journey.

If you’re unclear on your Big Fat Reason Why Weight Loss Is A Must For Me, you’re setting yourself up for failure. After the initial burst of energy, when you hit bump in the road you’ll collapse in a heap of excuses. Like all those other times.

I encourage you to pour yourself a glass of something yum, make yourself comfortable and ask yourself the following question:

“Why weight loss is an absolute MUST for me…..”

Make a list of all the reasons. Go crazy. It’s your list, no-one else needs to read it.

Because some of us are motivated to move towards pleasure (carrots) and some of us are more motivated to move away from pain (sticks n stones), you’ll have some reasons that are carrot-y and some that are stick-y.

Both kinds are great. Include ‘em all as the more you can write down the bigger your motivation will be. And that’s a good thing.

I dare you to come up with a list of 100 reasons.

On that bit of paper list every single reason that weight loss is important to you.

If you want to be there for your kids (or grandkids) or if you wish to really go for it big in life and you realise that your weight issues hold you back then write that down.

If you are fed up with yourself, and the kind of body that you’ve created for yourself and you can’t stand living like this anymore then write that down.

Dig deep.

Get it out on paper exactly why you want this, exactly why it’s important to you.

If you want to look great naked … write that down.

If you feel like you’ve let yourself down for long enough because you tell yourself that you’ll “do it someday”… then write that down.

Good on you.

I encourage you to share in the comments section your most important reason around why weight loss is a must for you which will encourage other women to dig deep as well.

The brave soul who submits the comment that touches me the most (read: the one that makes me cry), will a free coaching session with me which will fast forward your weight loss journey.

Dig deep.

Love etc, Avril

PS: Just so we’re absolutely clear…I don’t actually have a gazillion dollars (yet). Nor do I know where you live, so I encourage you to sleep well tonight, OK honey. But first of all, write your list of reasons Why Weight Loss Is Important To Me 🙂