Archives August 2012

Are you squirming in your chair?

C’mon honey, be honest now….what do you get out of staying overweight?

If you said, “You’ve got to be kiddin’ me… I don’t get anything out of it!!!”

…… listen up.

If you struggle with your weight, you are getting something out of it.

How secondary gain works its mischief

Everything we do, we do, because we get ‘something’ out of it.

In psychological circles it’s known as secondary gain, and it’s the social, physical or financial benefits that arise from illness, mishap or injury.

They’re the ‘hidden’ reasons for holding onto an undesirable condition.

For example, if you’re unwell you might get more sympathy and attention from your partner or mates, and you get to avoid work.

Secondary gain is very, very common.

We all do it.

Welcome to being human…there’s about 7 billion of us.

So with that in mind, let me repeat the question.

What do you get out of being overweight?

Do you get to avoid your gym session? Do you get to have that comforting chocolate bar? Do you get sympathy from friends?

Usually, secondary gain is deeply unconscious. Like an iceberg that is mostly submerged, you need to bring your secondary gain out from under the water line of your mind. Only then will it disappear.

What does it look like?

A client who’d struggled with her weight since her teenage years was baffled as to why she continually sabotaged herself with post-gym food binges. She shared with me that she’d been attacked while out running as a teenager. When the incident happened she’d been very slim, and she’d created a belief in her head that ‘slimness equalled unsafe.’

Every time she started to shed weight (which she consciously wanted very much), her unconscious belief would override, and she’d sabotage herself.

Once we’d cleared the trauma of the attack and the notion that she was unsafe as a slim person, she found that she no longer sabotaged.

Clearly, this is an individual case.

But it highlights how our minds are very clever at keeping us overweight – often in the name of protection – from a larger perceived threat.

Questions to help you find your secondary gain

Take a moment to reflect on these questions. If you’re really serious about losing weight, journal the answers, and allow them to begin to shift your thinking. Be curious.

– What are the positives for you, if you easily reached your happy weight?
– What is the downside of your reaching your happy weight?
– How would being your happy weight impact other areas of your life?
– What would it mean to you to not be the overweight person in a group?
– What negative thoughts do you have about people who are their happy weight?
– What would you have to not tolerate anymore in order to get to your ideal body?
– What or who would you need to face or let go of?
– Is there anything you fear about becoming your happy weight?
– Are those fears realistic?
– Is it worth staying overweight to avoid facing those fears?
– What would you gain from the experience of overcoming the weight loss?
– What learnings would you develop on this journey?
– What new possibilities open up for you once you are your happy weight?

Begin to let it go.

How’d you go with the answers?

You might notice the first couple of questions are intentionally designed to uncover the submerged fears. Chances are a lot of stuff will come to the surface. It’s time, sweetheart. Answering the later questions will help you begin to overcome the fears.

Remember darling, you – as member of the human club – have the inner resources to overcome the secondary gain that’s kept you stuck up until now.

Answer the questions with honesty and curiosity, be gentle but firm and see yourself at your happy weight. You can do it.

Now, off you pop, go and answer the questions…

Love etc, Avril

PS: If you need help letting go of secondary gain or self sabotage, that’s exactly what I can help you with, easily and effortlessly. Drop me a line – avril@avrilcarpenter.com

When you change your eating habits, your tummy’s going to protest.

Loudly.

Think toddler in a candy store being denied sweets … that kind of protest.

If it’s used to super-sized portions, it’s got some shrinking to do.

Perhaps you’ve already noticed it goes into tantrum-mode when it doesn’t get what it wants.

It aint’ pretty!

So, you need to do what any clever parent does – have a plan.

First, What Not To Do

Do not waste energy getting cross with yourself. You’re making changes. This is a good time to be gentle. But firm.

Do not give in, either. If you give in to your inner toddler’s demands you’re teaching your tummy that you can be manipulated, now, and in the future.

Be firm, and do this…

Get your mantra on

Have a couple of pre-rehearsed mantras at the ready. They’re like a personal pep talk that reminds you, YOU are in control.

They’ll help you focus on your commitment to lose weight. They’ll help you resist the desire to succumb into your comfort zone.

Many clients find “Hunger is my friend,” re-focuses them.

By repeating this mantra you remind yourself that your tummy is shrinking and that feeling a little hunger is normal and appropriate.

“I am enough,” is the world’s best weight loss mantra. It sends a calming message deep into your unconscious mind.

“I’ve finished eating now,” sends a message of completion to your brain. Bonus points if you go and brush your teeth because there’s nothing like minty breath to discourage further nibbling.

The most important thing is to find a mantra that works for you. It’s important that it immediately re-connects you with your determination and courage.

The more you practice your mantra the quicker your tummy tantrums will pass, easily and effortlessly. And once your inner toddler realises it doesn’t get its own way when it acts up, the tantrums will stop completely.

So, when those tantrums kick in, do not abdicate your responsibility as an adult. Instead remind yourself, “Wait! I’m in charge here, not my inner toddler!” and get your mantra on.

Love etc, Avril

“We must all suffer from one of two pains: the pain of discipline or the pain of regret.

The difference is discipline weighs ounces while regret weighs tons.” ~ Jim Rohn

I love that quote.

It reminds me of the simple (not to be confused with easy), choice we all make numerous times a day.

Discipline versus regret.

Which do you choose, dear reader – especially when the going gets tough?

Where do I get me some more discipline?

There is no discipline gene. No one’s born with it.

It’s a skill that can be learned. It’s all about dealing with the ‘fruit salad’.

Riiiiiiight.

More about that in a sec. First, a crucial pre-fruit-salad reminder.

Seduction

When we make changes in our life (lose weight, get fit, quit smoking….any new intention) we push our zone of comfort zone.

It’s unfamiliar.

Uncertain.

We feel vulnerable.

Recall, there’s a primitive part of our mind that abhors change. Its remit is to seduce us back to the safe and familiar territory of our comfort zone.

It does this by playing mind tricks. It beguiles us back to the ‘way it was’, coaxing us back to behaviours we’ve previously sworn off.

Seduction pure and simple.

Like when you snaffle that second helping despite being full-to-bursting, you take a drag on a fag even though you’ve quit, or you walk for five minutes even your intention was to exercise for an hour because you’re feeling, “Oh sooooo a bit tired and sweaty.”

Suddenly, you’re back where you started. In your comfort zone. Full of regret.

If this is you, you’re not alone.

The good news is you can resist the seduction and defend your new intentions.

Here’s how.

You’re now ready for the fruit salad.

Fruit salad of the mind

We all have crazy, insane, completely irrational bullsh*t in our heads.

Every day. Every night. Every one of us.

This is the fruit salad.

It’s the second-guessing, doubting-Thomas, scare-mongering naysaying thoughts that scare us back to where we started.

It’s the: “Just this once, go on” and “Have a bite, you know you want to,” and “It won’t make any difference.”

It will.

Fruit salad: the antidote

The good news is – you are not your thoughts. Sure, you have thoughts, but you are not your thoughts.

Even people you admire, those good folk who have achieved what it is that you want to achieve – have fruit salad in their heads. All of ‘em.

What’s important is…they ignore it.

They know that just because there’s a thought in your pretty little head doesn’t mean you automatically need to act on it.

They know a thought is just a thought is just a thought.

This is positively revolutionary to many of my weight loss clients.

How different would your health be if instead of heading to the vending machine when you had the notion “I’m peckish”, you just ignored the thought?

Or, better still, you back chatted with something stronger, “Hunger is my friend.”

Remember, you have thoughts, but you’re under zero obligation to act upon them.

If you feel unable to ignore the ‘disciplined’ choice, and you feel yourself falling for the ‘regret’ choice, agree to do try this:

Defer that ‘bad’ choice for 10 minutes

It’s like the If You’re Angry, Count to 10 Before Speaking rule.

It sounds childish but it’s very effective.

If you’re tempted to ‘cheat’ by abandoning your walk, defer quitting for 10 more minutes. Chances are the feeling will pass, and you’ll be high-fiving yourself (your confidence increased), as you complete your intended walk.

Or, if you’re seriously tempted to binge on those Tim Tams, give yourself a 10 minute time out.

Breathe. Pop. And, if after setting a 10-minute timer, you still fancy them, go for it. Chances are you’ll make a disciplined choice and leave the biscuit tin unmolested.

You’ll be pleasantly surprised at how effective deferring can be. Because you create enough space for the real you, (not the fruit salad you) to show up and make a disciplined choice.

People will look at you and marvel at your ‘discipline’. All because you know how to handle your fruit salad.

Disciplined love etc, Avril

PS: For more cool mind tools so you can feel confident and in control around food, c’mon over here.

“You can’t plow a field simply by turning it over in your mind.”

Wise words from Mister Gordon B. Hinckley.

And, a terrific introduction to the final of our three-part series on eliminating emotional eating.

The final and most important step in eliminating emotional eating.

So, are you ready to eliminate your emotional eating and feel confident around food?

Righto.

Parts 1 and 2 are here. (Go on, off you pop.)

While we wait, here’s a story.

It’s vaguely embarrassing, what with me being a coach n all. But, em….well, in the interests of being transparent…

Earlier this week I visited the physiotherapist. My calves had been feeling a bit tweaky.

After an excellent massage, the physio demonstrated a couple of simple easy-to-perform stretches, explaining how – if done regularly – the tightness in my muscles would heal and I’d be firing on all cylinders.

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” said Miss Know It All.

Right there might have been a good place to stop. But, I didn’t.

“I already know those stretches,” said Miss Glib.

<< a long, long silence >>

<< ditto >>

That moment

There.

Right there was that moment.

You know the one.

The one when you say something so breath-takingly silly, you cringe, shaking your own head at your own self.

He’s a good physio.

He heard the silliness too.

He allowed the silence, then asked the obvious.

“It’s great you know them. Do you do them?” he asked very quietly.

Boo-yaa.

Smack down.

With tail between my legs, head hanging in shame, I came clean.

Course, the physio already knew the truth.

Every fibre of my calves knew.

Fundamentally, what it comes down to is this…..

Insight without action is worthless

No one can do your stretches for you.

Not your mum.

Not your coach.

Not your BFF.

Only Y.O.U.

If you want a different result in your life – say, flexible calves or to eliminate your emotional eating – you’ve got to do what you know.

Every day.

You.

Doing what you know.

It’s a powerful formula.

And sure beats the wishing, waiting, hoping (for the magic pill) formula.

Work it, baby.

Repetition is key here. Repetition really is the mother of all learning.

Whenever you repeat anything a neural pathway is created in your brain. Each and every repetition reinforces it.

So work it, baby, work it.

If you find yourself not applying what you know, as in, you continue to stuff down your emotions with food, remember the definition of insanity.

If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you’ll get what you’ve always got.

So, this time, decide to do something different. You’re not insane! You’re a smart chica!

Remind yourself what real hunger feels like. Do the technique you already know (there’s another six techniques here).

You know enough right now to be able to eliminate your emotional eating.

The remainder is doing what you know.

Rinse and repeat.

Again and again and again.

I’ve really enjoyed writing this series. I trust you have too. As always, I love hearing from you via the comments or email. What’s been your most important learning from this series? What have your specific challenges been? What’s it mean to you now, to be the boss of food?

Anyways, I’ve got to dash. I’ve got some stretching to do.

Love etc, Avril

PS: If you know you’re emotional eating is linked a trauma in your past and you’ve had enough, drop me an email. Together, you can get to the other side of this pain. You can be free from food.