So there I was at my girl friend’s house.
She was overwhelmed, cross and drained. She lamented about her clients who were calling at the weekend, early in the morning, even late Friday night.
No one was honouring her schedule.
I told her something I learned years ago while watching day time telly.
Day time television? No really… this is good.
It’s from American psychologist and talk show host-with-the-most, Dr Phil McGraw, and it’s a fundamental truth that has served me (and my clients) very well indeed.
It is this:
WE TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO TREAT US.
Her eyes lit up. She couldn’t believe it was that simple. And the more we talked, the more excited she got. Cue happy dance.
So, what does it mean?
It means you either teach people to treat you with respect, or you don’t.
It means you’re (partly) responsible for the mistreatment that you get at the hands of someone else.
It means you shape others’ behaviour when you teach them what they can and cannot get away with.
Wow. It’s a head spinner.
In other words…
Stop blaming other folks in your life for not magically knowing your rules…especially if you never enforce them yourself.
Quit getting grouchy when people fail to read your mind and don’t miraculously meet your expectations.
Stop expecting others to know exactly what you want…especially if you don’t have the cojones to voice your wants aloud.
I am NOT pointing the finger here, ladies. Lawd knows…. I’ve ticked the boxes above. Frequently.
Here are four simple steps for teaching people how to treat you.
1. Start By Knowing What You WANT. And What You DON’T Want.
Pick an area of your life where you want to be treated differently. Get clear on how you’d like to be treated. And get crystal clear on what you will no longer tolerate.
Think about your words, your actions and even your use of silence. We use all of these when we teach others how to treat us.
For example, if you choose to stay in a conversation while someone is belittling you, then you’re teaching them that this behaviour is okay dokes by you. You’re basically saying, “more of this please”.
<<sound of penny dropping>>
Now, let’s apply this to weight loss.
If your partner cooks scrumptious meals but becomes Senor Martyr when you eschew second helpings, you might decide, “I eat what my body requires to be replete, and NO more. Irrespective of hurt / sarky / unhelpful comments tossed my general direction by the cook.”
And to conspire for your success, go on, be kind and have a chat about your recent decision. You need to remind your partner that when you refuse second helpings, it’s only the calories you’re pushing away, NOT them.
But it’s amazing how many of us put up with these sabotage-y interactions E.V.E.R.Y.D.A.Y. because we aren’t clear on what we want. And we’re vague about what we won’t tolerate.
You MUST learn to stand up for your wants and don’t wants. If you don’t… who will?
2. Find Your Triggers.
If the people in your life treat you in an undesirable way, ask yourself what you’re doing to reinforce or allow that treatment.
Choose one situation where you feel mistreated. Ask yourself, “How do I allow this to happen?”
A little deeper now.
You’ll be amazed to see how often you unwittingly choose to ignore your own needs. And then get cross about it.
This process can show you where you get triggered.
For instance, you might be tempted to say, “Well, I don’t have a choice! He makes me feel guilty if I don’t eat the third helping / do it his way / keep him happy!”
There, my friend, is your trigger.
G U I L T.
Acknowledge that you allowed the situation so that you could avoid feeling guilty.
Then, recognise that guilt is your trigger.
It’s this guilt which’ll tempt you to abdicate responsibility for your own needs.
Once you are aware of your triggers you’ll recognise them when they next appear and be able to make a different choice.
And you know this already…there WILL be a next time. As they say the lesson will re-appear until you’ve learned it. Mother Nature’s great like that, ain’t she!
3. Practice Makes Perfect.
One reason people struggle with this is that they wait until they’re triggered before they attempt to set boundaries.
Please P L E A S E PLEASE don’t communicate when you’re in a highly-charged emotional state. By then…and we’ve ALL been here (!!!) … there’s NO way you’re teaching people how to treat you.
Instead you’re blaming, finger-pointing, arse-covering and making yourself the victim.
We’re cool chicas. We don’t do that.
Instead, chill out, wait, get calm, then go back to Step #2.
Here’s the really great news.You can declare any relationship ‘reopened for negotiation’ any time you choose. Even a pattern of relating that is decades old can be redefined. Before you re-open the negotiation, you must commit to do so from a position of love, strength and power, not fear and self-doubt.
4. Teach YOU How to Treat You.
Not everyone is going to honour your requests. C’est la vie.
Fortunately… YOU can teach YOU to treat YOU well.
If you want others to treat you with respect, make sure you treat yourself with respect. If you want others to love you, you better lead by example and give some lovin’ to yourself.
You MUST include yourself in your equation.
If you’ve told your clients that you don’t take business calls on weekends, then YOU don’t make business calls on weekends. And you don’t receive calls either.
Easy aye : )
So peeps, pay attention to how you are teaching others to treat you…how you are treating you….and make sure it is the lesson you want them to learn.
Love etc, Avril