Archives April 2011

“It’s OK to have butterflies in your stomach. Just get them to fly in formation.”

Yesterday, I was talking to a friend who felt ‘stuck’ and not sure what to do about it.

Her intention was to get start a new business venture, but it wasn’t happening for her… did I have any suggestions?

This is the tricky part with friends, too much information and you see their eyeballs roll back in their head.

Too little information and they feel cheated.

Emm…

What to do?

I like to stick with the basics. Regardless of whether you want to start a new business, lose weight or start going to the gym on a regular basis, there are some simple steps you need to take that will make all the difference.

Paraphrasing Og Mandino, “we’re all a slave to habits, might as well be a slave to good habits.”

To change your habits, you have to incorporate five critical elements to creating permanent and lasting change, or, like News Year’s Resolutions, you’ll quickly give up.

So, what are they?

1) Be passionate

“Yeeeah baby!”

When you want to create change, there must be oodles of emotion and desire to want to create the result.

Passion is pure potential. It’s powerful. It’s motivating. It’s magnetising. With it, a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g is possible.

Best possible scenario is that you’ll be operating from a position of “I want this with every fibre of my being”. You can reeeally feel the heat, energy and movement emanating from that statement.

If you’re operating from “should’s” “need to’s” and “have to’s”, you’re already at a great disadvantage.

Reeeally want it. Get passionate.

2. Baby steps

If your plan is to leap the chasm from Miss Sedentary to daily walks of 21kms before breakfast, it’s fair to say, you’re setting yourself up for some challenges. Lots of ’em.

Yes, well spotted, I know that specific example is obviously extreme. But that’s exactly what we humans do… we set our own bars way too high, way too quickly and we completely disregard from where it is that we are starting.

Which leads to overwhelm. Overwhelm leads to inaction. And, “hello”, we’re back where we started…nothing’s changed.

3. Unwrap inner conflicts

Inner conflicts can be considered a gift.

Really. I jest you not.

We all know that I Just Can’t Get Started Frustration. That inability to get started is often caused by having conflicting feelings about the thing you want to change.

We humans are hard-wired to abhor change. It scares us.

If you think that change will be “really hard because I’ve never done it before”, or your thoughts sway towards, “well it’s unlikely I’ll succeed”, then you will unconsciously work to prove yourself right.

Because that’s how beliefs work. They’re self-fulfilling little darlings.

What’s great about this particular roadblock is that you get the opportunity to unwrap the beliefs which are causing you to stall. When you know what your current beliefs are, you can replace them with other beliefs.

Ones that will help you.

Treat the inner conflict as a gift…unwrap it. Do NOT place it in the corner and ‘deal with it later’. Because it’ll loiter in your blind spot, just out of sight, causing all sorts self-sabotage.

4. Are you trying to deal with problems you don’t have yet?

Often immobility is caused by the ‘what if’ scenarios dancing in your mind. The start line is as good a place as any to deal with ’em.

One option is to address these pesky ‘what ifs’ by voicing them aloud. Put language around them. Very often the act of acknowledging the ‘what ifs’ (which is really just an adult word for fear) will cause them to evaporate.

If voicing the ‘what ifs’ fails to bring relief give yourself permission to Cross That Bridge if (not when) You Come To It. As in, quit trying to solve problems you don’t have yet.

Be aware of the scenario you prefer to not have, devise a game plan to address it, but do NOT focus on it.

5. Get up close and personal with your your pay off

Yup. You already know what I’m talking about.

If you have a habit that you really, really, really want to change or you do stuff that makes you cross and frustrated with yourself for doing it, and yet you still do it…then listen up.

Everything we do – even the stuff that hurts us – we do because on some level we get something out of it.

There’s a pay off.

A hefty pay off which, until we know what it is, will preclude us creating change.

Smoking, excessive drinking, overeating – whatever your thing is – you’re getting something out of it, dear reader.

If your goal is to walk around the block every morning but you fail to set the alarm, the payoff might be: 1) you get to spend that time doing something else, 2) you get to do what you’ve always done, or 3) you get to avoid confronting yourself and seeing what comes up when you do something new and uncomfortable.

Let me spell it out for you…

You get to hide.
You get to blame.
You get to make excuses.

You get to stay safe.
You get to stay in control.
You get to be certain.

I’ll leave it to the master wordsmith, Mark Twain:

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.”

We always have a choice.

You can either embrace your fears ….. or … you need to get comfortable hanging out with its cousin … the pain of regret.

Hmmm. Clarifying stuff.

So…

If you can’t get started on something that you really want, ask yourself these questions:

– Exactly why do I want this? Make a list. A looong list.
– How will I feel when I’ve achieved this goal? Paint a vibrant picture. Really feel it.
– Can I imagine having achieved my goal right now? Can I ‘act as if’ I already have it?
– Does it feel right in my belly?
– Have I broken my plan into small enough steps?
– What thoughts in my head are holding me back?
– What thoughts do I need to replace them with? Make ’em serving, supporting, nurturing.
– What fears bubble to the surface when I think about taking the first step?
– What will it cost me emotionally / financially / mentally if I don’t take the first step now?

Now. Are you listening?

Take the tiniest, baby step.

That step might be so small that you don’t think it’s worth mentioning.

But it is.

And all those baby steps will add up.

“It’ll take forever with these tiny baby steps.”

Time will pass at the same rate, whether you take these steps or not. And if you do, you will inevitably get where you want to go.

Take one step today. N.O.W. Off you pop. One. Step. Today.

Good on you 🙂

Love etc, Avril

So you’ve arrived at the maintenance stage of your weight loss journey.

Good on you. Pause for your happy dance celebration and give yourself a pat on the back.

Now for the maintenance stage and embracing the newly-downsized you.

“OMG…what happens it all piles back on?”

It’s where the rubber hits the road, bay bee.

Life will always intervene. There will always be things (read: issues, events, stuff) clamouring for your attention. But if you really want to maintain the change, you have to remember the No. 1 rule – that you are in charge of you.

Here are 7 simple steps which will help you to remain confident, and in charge, of the changes you’ve already made.

1) Change what you keep in the house.

One of the most important ways you can conspire for your success is to change what you keep in the house.

If chocolate, lollies, junk food are your weakness … then DON’T buy them. If they’re not in the kitchen, you won’t eat ‘em.

When you visit the house of anyone who is their healthy happy weight you’ll find they’re very disciplined about what they keep in the house.

“But I my kids need biscuits.”

Yeah…right, honey.

Many people who are overweight buy junk food for their partner, children, grandchildren, and eat it all themselves. Non-smokers don’t keep cigarettes on the coffee table just in case the guests fancy a puff.

2) Donate your fat clothes to charity. All of them.

You no longer need them. Someone else does. Do it now. Today.

Do not hide them in the back of the wardrobe ‘just in case’. Consider the message received by your unconscious mind when you hoard your fat clothes.

It implies, loud and clear, that you secretly feel your weight loss is temporary and you don’t believe it will last.

3) Be a good girl scout. Be prepared.

We all know that when you’re out and about and the hunger kicks in, you’ll eat anything. Any old crap will do.

You must get into the routine of carrying simple portable healthy bits and pieces. Have fruit and nuts in your bag, your car, your office desk.

There’s not a mum in the history of the world who’d leave home without the baby bag containing food and drink for her lil poppet. It would be inconceivable not to do that.

And because it’s necessary it simply becomes part of the routine. Make it part of your routine to always have nourishing food on hand … or at least … in your handbag, glove box and office desk.

4) Learn to say no, graciously. And mean it with every fibre of your being.

You have to take your newly developed eating habits seriously.

“Oh they only had pizza so I had no choice to eat it.”

Yeah….right.

A vegan would never say, “I had to eat pork, it was all that was available, I didn’t want to hurt the host’s feelings”.

At other people’s homes, as long as you refuse food graciously and ask for something simple (like an omelette), nobody will mind. Your need to be healthy must be more important than your need to please someone else.

As a Muslim, Jew, Buddhist, Sikh or Rastafarian you would refuse certain foods because of your religious beliefs. And your needs would be respected and accommodated.

If you feel uncomfortable refusing certain foods because you’re shedding weight simply say, “It doesn’t agree with me”. You will be telling the truth.

Always remind yourself of how important you are. Respect your needs and others will too.

5) Never underestimate the power of your peers

You’re pimples are long gone, so what’s peer pressure got to do with maintaining weight loss?

Peer pressure is alive and well. At any age. It’s been said that we become the average of the five people we hang out with the most.

Who are you hanging with? Do they elevate you or pull you down?

If your five favourite people are healthy, positive-minded individuals who believe in taking responsibility for their health, make time for themselves and make good stuff happen….rock on.

If you hang out with a puddle of pessimists who believe the world is out to get them and there is nothing worthwhile, you will start descending into the negative whirlpool at some point, even if you are initially a super positive individual.

Ensure that your peers’ standards are equal to or higher than yours.

Be picky. Reaaaal picky.

6) Ladies, this is your life. Right now.

Do you put your life on hold until after you’ve lost weight? Do you dream that when you’ve lost weight you’ll apply for that promotion, you’ll be more social, or you’ll finally learn to dance?

Well, this is your life.

There’s no dress rehearsal.

THIS IS IT.

People talk about life being short. It’s not that it’s short. It’s that many of us take so bl**dy long to start.

What else, besides weight loss, do you want to accomplish in your life?

Here’s why.

Once you have other goals to work towards and are doing those things today that you’ve been putting off until later, you will begin to have a healthier relationship with your weight.

Make your life fun and enjoyable.

Now.

Do not put it off until you have reached some imagined perfection on the scale.

7) Keep on keeping on. 80/20 rule.

If you stumble along the weight loss journey, do not quit. Tripping is a necessary part of learning.

Examine what caused you to stumble and devise strategies to prevent it from happening again. Adjust your thoughts, your beliefs, your choices and you’ll get a different result.

OK, so you went to a party and completely overdid it with the cake.

“Since I overdid the cake I may as well eat everything in the fridge now.”

Rubbish. It was that all or nothing thinking which led to you being overweight in the first place.

As long as you chose healthy options the majority of the time – not every time – you’ll maintain your new styling figure.

I find the 80/20 rule helpful. It states that 80% of your food should be wholesome and natural, and 20% should be purely for pleasure.

And as we all know, it’s not how many times you fall that matters. It’s how many times you pick yourself back up.

During this journey you’ve learned about the power of your thoughts, your language, your state, your story. I encourage you revisit the learnings, as many times as it takes, for it to be absolutely automatic pilot for you.

Keep your sense of humour. Laughter, especially the ability to laugh at your-good-self, is central to you remaining light on the scales.

And remember, you being able to maintain this ideal weight… it is a certainty. It is happening. It’s done. It’s not a question in your mind. It’s done. Now go forth and eat, exercise, live that belief.

I’ve just had a private consultation with a delightful lady.

In her own words, she’d had enough of feeling “dumpy, frumpy, and grumpy”.

She’d gained a bunch of weight during her pregnancy, and as much as she loved her little one, she was frustrated by her  post-bub wobbly bits.

I shared with her my thoughts around weight loss. I mentioned it was a positive step for her health and setting a good example. I also noted her use of the word ‘trying’.

Try is a deceptive little word. It’s a real trickster.

And here’s why…

When we use the word ‘try’, it can make us feel like we’re going some way towards achieving what it is that we are ‘trying’ to do, while neatly providing us with an excuse when we fail.

“Well… at least I tried.”

For example, at the moment I am learning to sail. I’m devouring sailing texts, downing rum while receiving expertise from salty sea dogs, taking lessons and so on.

I could say that “I’m trying to become a sailor.”

While this might make me feel as if I was on the way to achieving my goal, the message received by my unconscious mind is that – when push comes to shove – I’m actually not that serious about the goal.

While I will have my excuse already prepared.

“Heck….at least I tried.”

I can always tell if someone will turn up at a previously agreed time. If they say, “I’ll try to get round on Thursday afternoon.” I know it is very unlikely they’ll arrive.

When on Friday I ask them what happened there’ll be some good reason or other. They might say something like, “I tried to get there but well…this, that and the other….”

Their integrity is intact.

After all, they tried, didn’t they?

However if someone says, “I’ll be there on Thursday afternoon,” I fully expect them to come as they’ve made a commitment.

Anyways, back to my client.

To illustrate that you can either ‘do a thing’ or ‘not do a thing’ I dropped a pen on the floor and asked her to try and pick it up.

She reached down and picked it up.

I said, “No I wanted you to try” and tossed it on the floor again. “Now try and pick it up.”

She reached down and picked it up successfully again. We repeated it a few times until she understood that to try was not to succeed.

You can either pick it up, or not pick it up.

It’s a subtle but powerful distinction in life, and with those who lose weight and those who fail.

You can either try to lose weight or you can succeed at losing weight.

I am far more interested in whether my clients succeed at weight loss than whether they have tried.

Funnily enough, they are too.

Next time you find yourself using the word try, whether it’s speaking to your partner, your own child or indeed yourself, consider an alternative and see what happens.

Remember there is no such thing as try, you either do it or you don’t.

End of story.

Some alternatives to try

– Instead of “go and try it” use “go and think about it” or better, “go and do it”.
– Instead of “at least you tried” use “good on you, now you know one way to get it to not work.”
– Instead of “try not to run” use “don’t run”. Or better still. Or better still use “walk”.

But more of that next post.

So, who’s for a rum?

Bust a move ladies.

Love etc, Avril

As you sit there reading this article, I want you to do a little experiment. C’mon…it’ll be fun.

So you like to play? Good on you.

Now, concentrate. Take a good look at your surroundings and notice all the items that are green.

Yes… olive counts as green. And so does pistachio. Hazel…nuh uh.

Once you’ve made a mental list of all the green-ish items, close your eyes and – out loud if you will – recite a list of all the items that are red.

Ha ha…tricked you, didn’t I. But it was a trick with a purpose.

Is it fair to say you’d have found it infinity easier to recite a loooong list of green, whereas the list of reds was a tougher ask?

That is due to one simple psychological rule…

…our mind sorts for what we instruct it to focus.

I bet your surroundings are full of both green and red items but because you told your mind to focus on the green items, that was what you saw … and here’s the kicker… to the exclusion of all other coloured items.

The red items were always there, you just didn’t see them.

And that, my friend, is exactly how we go through life. Seeing the things that we tell our mind to focus on and filtering out everything else.

Here’s why.

You’ve probably already have a sense of how amazing the unconscious mind is. Every single second your five senses (see, hear, feel, taste and smell) receives about to two million bits of information.

That is not a typo. Every. Second. Two million bits of information.

Wow.

Here’s the thing. Our conscious mind can only process a tiny portion of this information so the unconscious mind automatically filters the two million bits reducing the data load to (roughly) 134 bits of information, which our conscious mind can cope with.

If the unconscious mind didn’t filter, we’d overload. Freak out. Melt down.

Our unconscious mind filters the information through three main mechanisms:

• Deletion – what’s not of immediate importance or relevance

• Distortion – what doesn’t fit our belief system

• Generalisation – it into things that we can recognise

Why does that make focus important? Well, apart from keeping us sane, focus is what determines which 134 bits of information each second get into our awareness for conscious processing. What gets in is the 134 bits that are relevant to what we’re focussing on – the rest simply passes us by.

You don’t need to have a degree in mathematics to see that a significant amoutn of information doesn’t make it from the unconscious mind to the concious mind because of deleting. If you don’t consciously control your focus you might well be deleting the exact data that could be useful in your weight loss journey OR not be deleting data which is useless and is taking up valuable space in your conscious mind.

Which raises some pretty important questions.

– What are you telling your mind to focus on?
– Is what you’re telling your mind to focus on working for you?
– Or against you?

How to use this information to your advantage.

Take a moment now to ask yourself, “What do I want in relation to my body?”

If you’re like most people who are overweight you responded something like “to lose weight” or “to dump my love handles” or “to not be so fat”.

In each of the examples your mind had to focus on what you didn’t want to make sense of it.

“The weight you want to lose, or the loves handles you secretly hate, or the fat you want to ditch.”

By focusing on what you don’t want you are left feeling helpless, hopeless and unmotivated.

And worst of all, your unconscious mind goes on a search for even more evidence of the love handles and all the stuff you’re focusing on.

So focus on what you DO want and NOT what you don’t want.

When you redirect your focus to what you want – a slim, fit healthy body – you are sending a message to your unconscious mind to find and explore every possibility to move you towards this goal.

The more specific you can be the better.

– When you look in the mirror what are you focusing on?
– If what you’re focusing on makes you feel bad, change your focus and choose to notice your good bits.

Remember what we focus on determines how we feel. How we feel determines what actions (or inactions) we take. And it is our actions that determine the number on the scale.

Remember that if you keep focusing on what you’ve always focused on, you’ll get more of what you’ve already got. So if you’re feeling unmotivated, helpless, like weight loss will never happen for you… change your focus.

You have the power to make an incredible difference in your life. And it starts right here… with the power of focus.

Love etc, Avril

References

Csíkszentmihályi, Mihály (1990). ‘Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience’. New York: Harper and Row.