Archives May 2013

A major stumbling block for many of us women is our inability to say “no”.

We give and give, and then give some more.

But all this selfless giving comes at a cost.

Ultimately, we pay the price with our health and happiness.

Helen is very senior in a large firm in the city. She works long hours, stays late, takes work home. She covers for people when they’re sick, she constantly picks up the slack. Career-wise, she she’s considered a high flyer, and yes, she’s raking it in – but she’s exhausted and overweight.

Anna is a stay-at-home mum. She regularly gets to the end of the day without including any time for herself. Every day, she puts her children first – and second, and third, and fourth, and fifth – so any time she might have spent on herself is spent in service to others. Mostly, she’s happy to give. But recently, she’s been feeling depleted, and she’s noticed she often feels p*ssed off and resentful. And, frustratingly, that number on the scale keeps on climbing.

Can you relate?

Both are smart, strong, eloquent women but they struggle get their tongues around that little tongue-twister – “no”.

Here’s six simple ways to work your ‘no muscle’, so you can get your own life back in control.

But first…

Why do we say “yes” when inside we’re screaming “no”?

For many of us, saying “no” triggers our deepest fear, that: “I’m not nice and other people will not like me.”

We’re conditioned from birth to believe that giving is somehow feminine, attractive, and that to put ourselves before others, is being selfish.

So, in an effort to gain approval of people around us, we start saying “yes”, and allow ourselves to be rail-roaded into doing stuff we really don’t want to do.

This pattern plays out until we explode – physically, emotionally or metaphorically.

How does saying “yes” all the time lead to weight gain?

When we allow ourselves to be rail-roaded on an ongoing basis, we trigger the stress response in our body.

What this means is that our body floods with the stress hormones – adrenalin and cortisol -which causes us to want to eat and eat and eat. You see, when our bodies are pulsing with stress hormones, we crave comfort food, which for most of us equals carbs – pizza, bread, pasta.

I’m all for giving but…

Just so we’re clear: I’m all for serving, for giving for helping others. BUT overly serving other people at the cost of your wellbeing isn’t constantly helping you or them. It’s martyrdom.

The beautiful thing is when you learn to say “‘no”, you reduce the amount of stress surging through your body, and lessen the desire to nibble on comfort food.

Here’s how to work the “no” muscle with style

1. Be clear about what’s important to YOU
Identify what’s important to you and what’s not. The mantra I adore is: Unless it’s a “heck yes”, then it’s a “no”. Intuitively you know what this means. You can physically feel the “yeehaa” or the “uh-uh” in your body. Do more of the first and less of the latter. All the other steps follow this one, but first you’ve got to get clear on what you want.

2. What’s your pay off?
Get honest sweetheart. What are you getting out of saying yes to others? Sounds nuts but Everything we do we do because we’re getting something out of it. E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G

For example, on some level being super busy is considered a badge of honour these days. Being stressed is socially acceptable and on some level labels you as a person of importance. True or true?!

So, what’s YOUR payoff for saying “yes” when you mean “no”? Do you get a buzz out of being ‘super mum?’ Is there an adrenalin rush? Are you keeping the peace? Do you wear the badge of honour in the office by being the first in and last out the door?

Get very, very curious about exactly what it is that you’re getting out of saying yes. Once you know what’s motivating you, you’ll find it much easier to leave your job at the end of the day, instead of completing ‘just one more task’.

3. Ditch the guilt
Remember, that every time you say “yes” when you mean “no”, you’re committing an act of self-betrayal. And, that the more you get to say “no” to others, the more you get to say “yes” to your real joy.

You have nothing to give anyone if you’re frazzled, stressed-out and overwhelmed. And joy? Forget joy – I’m far too busy being a people-pleaser!!!

I jest, but I know you’re hearing me, sista.

4. F.O.M.O
Some of us have a hard time saying no because we have a fear of missing out and we think that saying no will lead to a missed opportunity. But there’s no such thing. You are enough and there will always be other opportunities. By saying “no” to this opportunity you’re creating the space to say “yes” to something you value even more. Like maybe your health.

5. Be appreciative
Take it as a compliment. They’re asking for your help because they think you’re competent, and also because you’ve taught them how to treat you, by saying yes all those other times. So thank them for their request or invitation, BUT – unless it is a “heck yes”, – then it’s still a “no”.

6. Own your “no”
Some people don’t give up easily. That’s their prerogative. But, without violating any of the rules above, give yourself permission to be just as pushy as they are. Ultimately, they’ll respect you for it. Best of all though, you’ll respect you. Here’s some specific How To Say No tips.

And, finally…

Working your no muscle takes courage. If you’re someone who is used to saying “yes”, you may feel like a bad mum or lazy employee. You might feel like you’re letting someone down or not living up to your former wonder woman expectations.

But try it on anyway.

Notice how people start to treat you with more respect and honour your “no”, as you treat yourself with more respect. Notice too how your need for nibbling between meals and king-sized portions of comfort food decrease as you own your “no” and stay true to what’s important to you.

Ultimately it’s about giving yourself some self-care so that you can be there for those you love and care about. Let’s face it, if you don’t have your health and happiness, what do you have to give?

Love etc, Avril

PS: If you need a helping hand so you can own your  “no”, or, if nibbling between meals and king-sized portions of comfort food are a challenge you want to overcome, maybe hypnotherapy is the answer. Why not drop me a line? I’m here to help.  No really, I am.

“I’m trying to lose weight, so what foods I should avoid?”

It’s a good question.

When I’m out and about, and people discover I help women lose weight through hypnotherapy, it’s one of the first questions they ask.

Frequently, the asker is hoping for a list of instructions of the Stay Away From Sugar or Never Let Bread Pass Your Lips variety. Or some such ‘secret’ tip.

My answer is simple.

So simple it’s often overlooked.

And it’s never what the asker expects.

Ultimately, I believe What Not To Eat Lists are unhelpful, at best, and at worst, they actually set you up for weight loss failure.

Why?

Because the repressed becomes the obsessed

Intuitively you already know what I mean.

As soon as you declare certain foods “out of bounds”, you immediately start obsessing about the exact thing you said you were going to avoid.

Well, don’t you?!

It’s like, what’s repressed, becomes the obsessed.

You didn’t even fancy bacon, but now that you’ve decided it’s the enemy, all you want is bacon. Mmmmmm baaaacon…

True or true?!

So, my rule of thumb is to eat whatever foods you want.

There are no good or bad foods. There are simply some foods which are healthier, more nourishing and more alive than others.

But nothing is actually off the menu.

One recent client was scandalised at the idea of having no forbidden food list and still being able to lose weight. You see, she adored cookies and cream ice cream, and believed that if she was allowed to eat it, she would eat that to the exclusion of everything else.

She didn’t.

Sure, for the first meal after learning that nothing was off the menu, she had her ice cream. But she hasn’t touched it since. It’s been 12 weeks and she’s got control of her eating. All the former cookies n cream allure has evaporated, the craving’s gone.

Crave the healthier choice

The curious thing is this. Clients find when nothing is off the menu, instead of diving into all the previously forbidden sugary, salty or fatty treats, they find themselves seeking out fresher, direct-from-the-garden, healthier, lower processed foods.

When they really start listening to what their body’s want, they’re thrilled to find they actually crave the healthier version on the menu.

Yay.

You see losing weight is all about tuning in to your body’s natural hunger signals. We’re all born with the blue print to perfect health and our perfect weight. We just need to re-learn how to listen.

It’s simply a matter of tuning into what our body is telling us, and not what someone else says we should do (yes, I get the irony that I’m telling you what to do!).

Permanent, long term weight loss comes when you learn to listen to your own beautiful body.

Inflexible advice sucks

So, next time you’re tempted to lose weight with extreme food rules or low calorie diets, which we know never work in the long term, the question you need to ask yourself is:

1. “Is this something I can do for life?”

2. “Is it ease-ful, do-able and fun?”

BTW: In my experience anything that is easily do-able and F.U.N will get done. And you will lose weight, naturally.

So, rather than accepting someone else’s Forbidden Foods List, failing to stick to it, and then beating yourself up, I’d encourage you to listen to your tummy.

I dare you….

Love etc, Avril

PS: If you struggle with food cravings and you’ve had enough of everyone else’s food rules and want to learn to listen to your own tummy, maybe you’re ready for hypnotherapy. Why not drop me a line, and together let’s get you back in control of food and living in a body you love.

Even if you don’t think so, stick with me for second.

Do you frequently tell yourself…

“That’s it – this time I’m gonna lose the weight!!!”

Yet find yourself behaving in ways that conflict directly with what you say you want?

Perhaps you dream of participating in the local 10km walk for charity?

Or, maybe you just want to feel confident in your swimmers, but when push comes to shove, you find yourself repeating habits – the exact ones you swore you’d stop.

Unbearably frustrating, hey.

If this sounds like you, then it’s highly likely you’ve got a toxic belief lurking in your unconscious mind, which causes you to self-sabotage.

See, it doesn’t matter how much you say you want to be slim and healthy, if there’s an unhelpful belief lurking deep inside of you that equates being slim with some kind of pain you will NEVER allow yourself do what it takes to become the shape and size you want to be.

But you can change it.

Beware the power of an unrecognised belief

For most of us, our unconscious minds are uncharted territory. We don’t really know what goes on ‘in there’. It’s somehow ‘beneath the radar’.

Which, when you think about it is a wee bit careless of us, because the unconscious mind is an absolute powerhouse. It has the power to help you create the body of your dreams…or the power to sabotage your best efforts.

Safety first

Many people aren’t aware of this – but one of the roles of the unconscious mind is to protect you.

It wants to keep you safe n sound, and away from pain.

And, in its effort to keep you protected, it will do whatever it takes to keep you safe– no matter how illogical it might seem.

For example, earlier this week client shared how she was attacked while walking home from a friend’s sixteenth birthday party. At the time, she was a “slip of a thing”, unable to fend off her attackers. Somewhere, deep inside, she made a decision that being slim meant she was vulnerable.

Since the attack, the weight has steadily piled on.

Logically, she knows that being overweight doesn’t guarantee her free from attacks in the future.

But her unconscious mind, operating as it does beneath the radar, is keeping her overweight because it believes “being slim = being unsafe.”

You see, any time we feel unsafe, we trigger the Stress Response in our body. This means that our body floods with the hormone, cortisol, which causes us to comfort eat and encourages our body to lay down fat.

So, back to you darling….

What makes YOU feel unsafe?

Do you feel unsafe when you get interest – wanted or unwanted – from the opposite sex?

Did you skip the gym today because you “didn’t have time”, but deep down you know it’s because you’re afraid of what people might think of you?

Do you spends hours and hours procrastinating, having “just one more cuppa” because you’re afraid you might do ‘it’ wrong or less than perfectly?

Any time you feel unsafe, whether you feel unsafe specifically around being slimmer or you feel unsafe in the general way, cortisol will flood your body.

What’s your thing, darling?

If you’re not already at your happy weight, then there’s a good chance you’re harbouring a toxic belief about the safety of being slim.

The good news is, you can change all of this.

The most powerful and quickest way I know is hypnotherapy.

But if you’re reading this at home (or work) right now, there is something you can do.

You might want to think of it as the antidote to the stress response. I encourage you to employ it every time you feel afraid or unsafe.

Heads-up: it’s very ‘low tech’. I get that. All that matters is that it works.

How to trigger your Relaxation Response

Mentally remind yourself that you are safe. Right here, right now you are safe. And breathe. I did say it was low tech!

Just breathe, because nothing communicates to every cell of your body that you’re safe, more eloquently than your breath.

Most of us breathe incorrectly. Here’s how to do it properly.

1. Put your hand on your tummy and, as you breathe in, make your tummy push your hand out. Notice your chest and shoulders stay still.

2. Count to three as you inhale, and three again as you exhale.

3. Repeat 10 times. (Feel free to panic after your 10th breath…but you probably won’t because you’ll feel so chilled!)

Notice how you can actually feel a physical relaxation response kick in. The cortisol dissipates and you’re now in a safe mental space where you can lose weight.

Calm.
Serene.
Safe.

Love etc, Avril

PS: If you’re trapped in the cycle of saying one thing but doing another, hypnotherapy can help. Why not drop me a line? What if being your happy, healthy weight was only a phone call away….