Archives November 2011

So… you’ve made the decision you’re going to shed some weight. Nice move.

Perhaps you’re fed-up with perpetually feeling exhausted because of the little bit extra you’re carrying or maybe you want to look hot in your Christmas photos.

Whatever your motivation, you’ve realised it’s time to change.

Good on you, chica.

As sure as eggs are eggs, here’s what’s going to happen. Now that you’ve made the commitment to change, lots and lots of challenges are going to cross your path.

One of the biggest challenges is ….

… F E A R.

Perhaps it’s the fear of not reaching your goal (again), fear of looking a bit silly, fear of letting yourself down, fear of getting hurt (emotionally or physically), the fear of being rejected…or any of the many garden-variety fears we have. The list is pretty much endless.

Honey, you simply must learn to handle your fears. It’s the number one skill that separates the successful (and happy) from those who struggle to make any real progress on their goals.

Most of us have been programmed in exactly the WRONG way to deal with fear. We find ourselves completely debilitated.

Unfortunately, most folk never break out of this misinformed, painful pattern. As a result the number on the scales doesn’t budge.

But….not you. Because, right now, you’re going to discover how to manage your fears, once and for all.

The very good news is that it’s a learnable skill, at any age, and irrespective of what you currently weigh.

But first, let me introduce you to your lizard brain. . .

The lizard brain is the part of your brain that controls the pre-historic fight, flight or freeze instinct. Its only concern is your survival. And it abhors change and achievement and risk.

The lizard was tremendously useful when we were cave dwellers. It triggered fear in us when sabre-tooth tigers were nearby. It saved our lives.

Having relocated from the savannah, physical threats on our person are rare. Mostly we’re dealing with imagined threats.

And here’s the important bit … the lizard brain can’t tell the difference between real physical and imagined threats. Read that again, it’s a crucial point.

ANY threat, risk or ‘something a bit different on the radar’ causes your lizard brain to release adrenalin. Cold sweats, shakes and “OMG quick, panic, freak out!!!!”

And back you dash to the safety of your comfort zone where your lizard brain rubs its hands in glee, because you’re safe.

It’s very good at its job. In fact It’s so clever we’re not even consciously aware of this protection mechanism.

Whenever we say one thing but do another, we’re in the grip of the lizard brain.

The voice that says…

“Just one more biscuit, it won’t make any difference anyway.”

“Phew. I’m really tired, I don’t have the energy to go for a walk.”

“I’m so busy, I don’t have time to prepare a healthy meal.”

…that’s the voice of the lizard brain. The way to remember it is that any resistance to you moving towards your goal is the lizard brain in action.

On many levels it’s very useful. You avoided the sabre-tooths, didn’t you.

The problem arises when you allow it to direct your entire life. Think about it. Would you let your three-year-old drive your car? Thought not.

So quit abdicating the responsibility for your life to your lizard brain: it doesn’t have the physical or mental capacity.

Next time you’re having a wobbly moment, and your lizard brain is nudging you back to your comfort zone, remind yourself of these facts:

– Fear will never go away. It’s hard-wired into us. So stop putting your life on hold waiting for the Day of No Fear. It’ll be a long wait.

– The more you try and avoid or escape fear, the more you’ll feel it. Yup, it’s a paradox we all share.

– We all feel fear. Everyone wonders if they’ll have what it takes. Even uber successful people get scared. True. They just don’t let it stop ‘em.

The lizard brain isn’t going away. It’s here to stay. Here’s how to quiet it down so you can get on with your life.

Make friends with your lizard brain

Now you’re aware of the mechanics of the lizard brain you’ve taken back a big chunk of control. Now you know there are options other than automatically dashing back to your comfort zone.

Go butterfly spotting

Next time the fear engulfs you … pause. Then notice the physical sensations in your body. Don’t resist the sensations or judge them. Just notice them.

See that you can experience the feeling of butterflies or shakes or cold sweat as purely physical sensations in your body WITHOUT THE MENTAL DRAMA. Nobody ever died of butterflies, shakes or a cold sweat.

By observing the physical sensations you’re teaching your lizard brain, that you’re OK. There’s no sabre-tooths near. You can handle this being out of your comfort zone stuff.

With awareness and practice you’ll soon link a great deal of pleasure with being out of your comfort zone, rather than seeing it as something to hide from. Promise.

Take action, anyway

It sounds clichéd as all heck, but action really is the antidote to fear.

It always amazes me how many clients say, “I’ll lose weight when I feel less nervous.” That’s exactly what your lizard brain wants you to do…wait and wait and wait.

And yet, think of those times when you’ve done the very thing of which you were afraid, and afterwards said to yourself, “That was easier than I thought ……I should’ve done it aaaages ago!!!!”

How often is the idea of doing scarier than the actual doing?

Nike was right… just do it…butterflies n all.

Use these three techniques singularly, or in combination to manage your lizard brain. With practice and patience your butterflies will be flying in formation and the number on the scales will soon be the one you want.

Fearless love etc, Avril

“I’m SO famished… I could eat a horse!!!” my friend exclaimed, washing the dirt from her hands.

We’d spent the morning gardening. It’d been a good while since breakfast.

Once upon a time I’d have agreed with her, on automatic, “Heck yeah, me too, FAMISHED…the horse AND the rider!!!”

Not now though.

Uh-uh.

Why not?

Because friends don’t let friends speak crappily.

Instead, I said “Yeah, I am a bit peckish. I could definitely nibble on a little something.”

You might be sitting there reading this thinking, “Geez, how pedaaantic can you get?”

And you’d be right. I am being pedantic, and for very, very good reason.

If you’ve got some extra weight to shift, you might want to listen up…it’s interesting stuff.

Here’s why…

We all have this thing in our tummy called an appestat. Basically it’s a chemical that tells us when we’re physically replete. It’s the ‘stop eating now’ signal, if you like.

So what’s our language got to do with this appestat thing?

I’m pleased you asked, darlin’.

The language and words we use directly affects when this appestat kicks in.

You see, our unconscious mind takes our words literally. Like a young child, it doesn’t grasp the concept of sarcasm or exaggeration. It simply absorbs, accepts and acts upon the literal meaning of the words you say.

It then searches for evidence of your instruction.

For example…

If you tell yourself, “I’m starving, I could eat a horse.”

How much of this statement does your unconscious mind believe is true?

Every single word.

It takes every word literally.

Exaggerated statements (like this one), encourage your unconscious mind to ignore the appestat and overeat, as if you really were in a famine.

How much of the statement is actually true?

Not much.

Could you really eat Black Beauty?

Probably not.

So…

…instead of “I’m starved … famished …ravenous” think about what other words you could use that are much less negatively descriptive.

Start to tone down your instructions to your unconscious mind.

“I could eat something now” or “I’m a tad peckish” are significantly better because they are neutral and give your unconscious mind a less intense message.

The less intense or less negatively descriptive the words you use, then the less intense your relationship with food.

Good to know, hey.

So, given that your unconscious mind is literal (and will search for evidence of what you ask), the question to keep in the forefront of your mind as you go through your day is:

What’s the message I am sending my unconscious mind?

As you can imagine, minding your language is imperative in every area of your life. We’re constantly creating our world (and how we feel) through our language.

Don’t believe me? Try it on for size. Listen to conversations already going on around you. You’ll notice patterns, I promise you.

When you ask your colleagues or friends, “how you doing?”, what’s their habitual response?

Compare and contrast…

“I’m soooooo stressed.”

“I’m absolutely shattered.”

“I’m really p*ssed off.”

With …

“I feel awesome, thanks for asking.”

“I’m all good.”

“Fan-tab-u-lous!!!”

Now that you know how the unconscious mind works, it’ll come as no surprise to you that people who talk about being stressed, absolutely shattered or p*ssed, are the same people who regularly feel stressed, absolutely shattered or p*ssed.

And vice versa.

Enjoy listening to other people’s language and you’ll discover where they hang out, emotionally-speaking.

Remember your unconscious mind is infinitely powerful and is eavesdropping on everything you say, whether aloud or in your head – and will always deliver you a match.

It’s not rocket science, sweetheart. You’ve just got to know how the mind works. And now you do.

So mind your language. Language your world as you want it to be.

Love etc, Avril

Two Buddhist monks are strolling through the forest when they come across a woman who’s struggling to cross a creek.

Without fuss, the elder monk quietly picks her up and gently carries her to the other side.

He continues walking.

Sometime later the young monk expresses his frustration. He’s cross and confused because the monks have an order of chastity that prohibits them from touching women.

“How could you have carried that woman?” the young monk demands.

The other monk quietly replies, “Who has done the greater offence? I put her down hours ago but you’re still carrying her.”

Hmmmm.

Let’s leave the monks to their stroll and let me ask you a simple question:

“What burdens do you still quietly carry from your past?”

No, really, I’d like to know.

We all have emotional baggage from our past. Even if Especially if, it wasn’t the fairy-tale childhood you’d have wished for, it’s over now.

What’s done is done.

Your parents, your kindergarten sweetheart, your ex-spouse …. or anyone else you believe did you wrong, it’s time to give ‘em a break.

Let it go.

‘They’ did the best they could.

And, even if they didn’t (for whatever reason), you continuing to re-visit your past with thoughts of “what if this” and “if only that” serves to rob you of the breathtaking joy of being fully awake in your own life.

Ironic, isn’t it.

We all know someone who’s sadly vacant from their own life today because they’re off deep in their past, picking at the scabs of unhappy memories.

Let it be.

And, as if stealing your present wasn’t insidious enough, living in the past can also make you scared about your future.

As harmful as we know it is… we still do it, don’t we?!

Do not underestimate the impact your emotional baggage has on your current weight, or day to day happiness.

On the surface this baggage can manifest itself in comfort eating (where you overeat to numb yourself from the pain of memories that still hurt) or a feeling of “what’s the point” or “I just can’t be bothered”.

Maybe you’ve already discovered no amount of comfort eating can fill up the painful parts of your past.

(I mean, how can it? Food’s food. It’s not a time-travel machine or magic wand.)

The wonderful news is you can re-pack your emotional suitcases. Heck, if you really want to darling, you can ditch some of the extra suitcases. Everybody knows it’s much more fun to travel light.

Next time you find yourself dwelling on the past ask yourself these questions.

#1: “Can I change it?”

No matter how smart, funny or gorgeous you are…you can’t change the past. Sobering, I know.

Repeat after me, “What’s done is done”.

Accept this truth. Be free.

#2: “What can I learn?”

Our past can be a great teacher. “What do I need to learn from this event?”

If you spot a learning: yay, learn it, move on.

If you cannot: yay, move on.

See the common element here? MOVE ON, baby. Get back to your life, now.

#3: Notice how short it is…

The next time you start worrying about something you did (or didn’t do) or something someone else did (or didn’t do), say these words, “I don’t have time for this”.

And move on.

Over time you’ll train your mind to ignore those thoughts and as the weeks go by the attachment to the past will fade away.

Peace.

#4: Control freaks: I’m speaking to YOU.

When you return again and again to an event in the past, you’re actually seeking control.

Do you blame yourself when things go wrong or dwell on mistakes long after their expiry date?

Thought so.

It’s OK, here’s your mantra. Repeat after me..

“I cannot control everything. I cannot control everyone. And pretending I have this super power is driving me freaking crazy.”

Yes, you’re in charge of you but there are times when you will be utterly unable to change a set of circumstances.

So let it go. You’ll be glad you did.

Remember, no matter how much you analyse the past you STILL CAN’T CHANGE IT.

Oh hello, we’re back to #1.

#5: Cultivate compassionate

Picture this if you will: you’re a kid again and one of your classmates does something rotten to you. It happens. Here’s the thing…. when you replay that memory in your head, you’re being rotten to you.

How uncompassionate of you!

#6: Decide to forgive

Some of you’ll be challenged with this one because there’s a part of you that worries, “But if I forgive the person who hurt me, I’ll become their doormat.”

Honey, you’re already being a doormat….a doormat to your past.

Forgiveness isn’t about you condoning the other person’s behaviour. It’s about doing what it takes to get you back to your happy place.

Back to now.

Just a thought honey… maybe the person you need to forgive is you.

Ahaaaa.

You have a choice.

You can choose to continue dragging your stuff around with you or you can choose to lighten the load.

Here’s to you re-packaging your suitcases and travelling light.

Love etc, Avril

“Stop complicating the sh*t out of everything,” he said, matter-of-factly.

“Start at the start, stop when it’s done.”

Not for the first time, my brother’s cut-glass logic nudged me in the butt. It left a bruise.

See, I have this thing.

Relax…it’s not life threatening. It’s pretty common.

There’s a good chance you have it too.

It’s a nasty little mind-virus. It can steal your energy, rob you of your courage and cause low-grade depression, anxiety and frustration.

Perfectionism is its name. And it is brutal.

I meet countless women who unwittingly prevent themselves from losing weight (or living their life happily) because of this need to “do it perfectly”.

When a perfectionist nibbles one biscuit, the mind-virus takes over, screaming, “You’ve totally blown it now, you may as well scoff the entire packet… eat everything in the pantry, why don’t you….you’re no longer perfect, right?”

Perfectionists tend to analyse, second-guess, and complicate the sh*t out of everything, which results in them forgetting to do the very thing they need to do to lose weight…

…..as in, DO something.

True or true, honey?!

Basically perfectionism is an excuse NOT to take action.

If you’re a perfectionista, you know the heavy truth. Another year passes. You’re still overweight.

From the bottom of my imperfectly-manicured magenta toenails it gives me great pleasure to share with you ….recovery is possible.

Here, take my hand…

Perfectionistas Anonymous

“My name is Avril, I’m a recovering perfectionist…. hello everyone.”

That’s the first step: awareness. Until you acknowledge a behaviour (and it is something you are doing), you can’t treat it. Well done.

And now you’re aware of the sneaky mind-virus you can start treatment.

Prescription for Little Miss Perfects

Replace perfectionism with imperfectionism. That’s it…become a Little Miss Imperfect and make progress your new target. It’ll set you free.

“How can something as simple as focusing on progress make a difference?” says the (former) perfectionist in you.

See.

There you go complicating the sh*t out of everything, again.

Stop it, sister!!!

Remember your new focus is progress. You’re Miss Imperfect, and proud of it.

Progress is tangible. It’s about being the best version of you. It means always looking for the next stretch or improvement. It’s about moving closer to your target one step at a time.

Six Unexpected Benefits of Becoming Little Miss Imperfect

– You finally see your inner critic (ego voice) for what it is…. your very own success prevention expert. Ouch.

– You lower the bar. You start to create in the moment, without any judgement. Fun, freedom and joy is allowed and you actually end up doing a fabulous job. How ironic.

– You focus your attention on the process itself. You quit obsessing about the outcome. Paradoxically, you increase your chance of success because you stay in the game.

– You get things done imperfectly. You tweak and fix and repeat. You become unstoppable.

– You finally understand there are no mistakes. Feedback is what it’s all about, baby.

– Yes, you do master your craft. You do achieve your weight loss goals. Because you gave yourself room to practice, you’re learning and growing, and you’re still taking action.

You’re moving closer to your weight goal because you aren’t over-complicating the sh*t out of everything. You’re being the best version of you.

Imperfect love, etc, Avril

PS:

A major stumbling block for women, especially women looking to lose weight, is the inability to say “no” without feeling very, very guilty.

For many of us, saying “no” triggers our deepest fear:

“Uh-oh, I’m not a nice person and other people will know I’m not nice.”

I’ve been there. Heck, I used to live there.

How about you, sweetheart?

We women are especially vulnerable to this erroneous thinking, caused by excessive (and unnecessary) concern for what other good folk think of us.

(Dear reader, you understand this principle is so much broader than ‘saying no to food’. This principle has butt-kicking power in every corner of your life).

Let’s do a quick check-in, shall we?

– Do you find yourself not wanting to confront, challenge or upset those around you?
– Are you always the peace keeper in your family or office?
-Do you constantly feel stretched by the demands of others?

…And yet, inexplicably, still can’t say “no”?

OK, now specifically around food…

Do you find yourself eating (even when you’re not hungry), just to keep your partner, parent or host happy?

It’s Not Your Fault

Many of us women are conditioned from birth to believe it’s feminine, motherly and somehow more attractive to put other people’s needs first.

And, if we don’t, then we’re being selfish.

Here’s the truth. The painful but ultimately very freeing truth, darlin’.

Behind every people-pleasing exterior stews resentment, frustration and fear.

People-pleasers take this stew, allow it to marinade, and direct it in on themselves.

It’s a recipe for a stressful existence.

Even though they might feel “a bit peeved” at the person to whom they said yes, when they meant no (again), really, it is annoyance at their own lack of voice, they’re frustrated with.

And, hello…

… you wonder why you’ve developed behaviours to numb this frustration and stress. Behaviours like overeating, for example.

Just Say No

Your happy-weight sisters are comfortable with saying “nope, not today thanks”. Whether it’s around food or other areas of their life.

They don’t eat just because someone wants them to. Sure, they go to parties, BBQs and eat out, yet they remain their happy weight because they are willing to say “non, merci” when their body isn’t in need of food.

They listen to their own voice, rather than allowing someone else to dictate your life.

The great news is learning to say no is a learned skill. Even if it’s been a challenge for you until now, you can quit being a people-pleaser, right now, with a little practice.

Your shrinking waist line, reduced stress levels and increased confidence will thank you for it.

Five Steps To Giving Good “No”

1. Pause

Next time you’re tempted by the easy path and the words “OK, yeah, right-o” are forming on your lips, while every fibre of you is screaming, “heck no’’…. P.A.U.S.E.

Pause and breathe.

And remember you have every right to say no. It’s your basic human right.

Next…say the two-lettered word.

2. Just Say It.

“No.”

It’s a complete sentence. Really, it is.

Say it with a calm, self-honouring smile.

A prettier alternative is, “No thanks, but thank you for asking, I really appreciate it”.

3. Ditch The Explanation

Many of us feel the need to give reasons for our decision, something akin to the homework excuse from school.

“Really sir, the dog ate it.”

You’re a big girl now. Instead, come from a space of nothing to defend, nothing to justify.

Sure you could explain if you think it’ll be helpful, but there’s no obligation. And sometimes it’s unhelpful.

Think about it. The other person is looking at the conversation with a completely different perspective and they may be disappointed.

And that’s okay, they’ll deal with it.

4. Start Small

First start saying “no way, José” to small things. You’ll build your confidence and gather positive reference points as you go.

Remember by saying no to someone else you are saying yes to your own voice. Your own healthy, sparkly self.

5. “Uh-oh…I accidentally said yes”

Or “I said yes but I’ve changed my mind.”

Relax. It happens.

You always have the opportunity to change your mind. What’s the point in having one unless you change it from time to time?

You’ll Create More Space In Your Life

Once you start saying no with ease you’ll wonder how you survived without it.

And that’s the thing really, isn’t it?

If you can’t say ‘no’ you’re so busy doing stuff you don’t really want to do that ‘surviving’ is an apt description of your life.

Who wants to survive? Wouldn’t you rather thrive? There’s a big difference.

By saying no, you’ll be doing less of what you don’t want, which leaves more time for what you DO want. Bring on the thriving… yeah, bay bee!

With practice you’ll easily get to the stage where your first answer is your genuine, heartfelt desire. It’ll become automatic.

Initially your voice may shake around the unfamiliar two-letter syllable. Let it.

Notice how liberating it feels to speak your truth.

Notice too, how people start to treat you with more respect as you treat yourself with more respect.

And watch as your decisions are reflected in the decreasing number on your scales.

So, YOU, classy chica – how do you say no. What works for you? What hasn’t worked in the past? Share and inspire, and add to the mix in the comments section below.

Love etc, Avril