Archives 2011

Two Buddhist monks are strolling through the forest when they come across a woman who’s struggling to cross a creek.

Without fuss, the elder monk quietly picks her up and gently carries her to the other side.

He continues walking.

Sometime later the young monk expresses his frustration. He’s cross and confused because the monks have an order of chastity that prohibits them from touching women.

“How could you have carried that woman?” the young monk demands.

The other monk quietly replies, “Who has done the greater offence? I put her down hours ago but you’re still carrying her.”

Hmmmm.

Let’s leave the monks to their stroll and let me ask you a simple question:

“What burdens do you still quietly carry from your past?”

No, really, I’d like to know.

We all have emotional baggage from our past. Even if Especially if, it wasn’t the fairy-tale childhood you’d have wished for, it’s over now.

What’s done is done.

Your parents, your kindergarten sweetheart, your ex-spouse …. or anyone else you believe did you wrong, it’s time to give ‘em a break.

Let it go.

‘They’ did the best they could.

And, even if they didn’t (for whatever reason), you continuing to re-visit your past with thoughts of “what if this” and “if only that” serves to rob you of the breathtaking joy of being fully awake in your own life.

Ironic, isn’t it.

We all know someone who’s sadly vacant from their own life today because they’re off deep in their past, picking at the scabs of unhappy memories.

Let it be.

And, as if stealing your present wasn’t insidious enough, living in the past can also make you scared about your future.

As harmful as we know it is… we still do it, don’t we?!

Do not underestimate the impact your emotional baggage has on your current weight, or day to day happiness.

On the surface this baggage can manifest itself in comfort eating (where you overeat to numb yourself from the pain of memories that still hurt) or a feeling of “what’s the point” or “I just can’t be bothered”.

Maybe you’ve already discovered no amount of comfort eating can fill up the painful parts of your past.

(I mean, how can it? Food’s food. It’s not a time-travel machine or magic wand.)

The wonderful news is you can re-pack your emotional suitcases. Heck, if you really want to darling, you can ditch some of the extra suitcases. Everybody knows it’s much more fun to travel light.

Next time you find yourself dwelling on the past ask yourself these questions.

#1: “Can I change it?”

No matter how smart, funny or gorgeous you are…you can’t change the past. Sobering, I know.

Repeat after me, “What’s done is done”.

Accept this truth. Be free.

#2: “What can I learn?”

Our past can be a great teacher. “What do I need to learn from this event?”

If you spot a learning: yay, learn it, move on.

If you cannot: yay, move on.

See the common element here? MOVE ON, baby. Get back to your life, now.

#3: Notice how short it is…

The next time you start worrying about something you did (or didn’t do) or something someone else did (or didn’t do), say these words, “I don’t have time for this”.

And move on.

Over time you’ll train your mind to ignore those thoughts and as the weeks go by the attachment to the past will fade away.

Peace.

#4: Control freaks: I’m speaking to YOU.

When you return again and again to an event in the past, you’re actually seeking control.

Do you blame yourself when things go wrong or dwell on mistakes long after their expiry date?

Thought so.

It’s OK, here’s your mantra. Repeat after me..

“I cannot control everything. I cannot control everyone. And pretending I have this super power is driving me freaking crazy.”

Yes, you’re in charge of you but there are times when you will be utterly unable to change a set of circumstances.

So let it go. You’ll be glad you did.

Remember, no matter how much you analyse the past you STILL CAN’T CHANGE IT.

Oh hello, we’re back to #1.

#5: Cultivate compassionate

Picture this if you will: you’re a kid again and one of your classmates does something rotten to you. It happens. Here’s the thing…. when you replay that memory in your head, you’re being rotten to you.

How uncompassionate of you!

#6: Decide to forgive

Some of you’ll be challenged with this one because there’s a part of you that worries, “But if I forgive the person who hurt me, I’ll become their doormat.”

Honey, you’re already being a doormat….a doormat to your past.

Forgiveness isn’t about you condoning the other person’s behaviour. It’s about doing what it takes to get you back to your happy place.

Back to now.

Just a thought honey… maybe the person you need to forgive is you.

Ahaaaa.

You have a choice.

You can choose to continue dragging your stuff around with you or you can choose to lighten the load.

Here’s to you re-packaging your suitcases and travelling light.

Love etc, Avril

“Stop complicating the sh*t out of everything,” he said, matter-of-factly.

“Start at the start, stop when it’s done.”

Not for the first time, my brother’s cut-glass logic nudged me in the butt. It left a bruise.

See, I have this thing.

Relax…it’s not life threatening. It’s pretty common.

There’s a good chance you have it too.

It’s a nasty little mind-virus. It can steal your energy, rob you of your courage and cause low-grade depression, anxiety and frustration.

Perfectionism is its name. And it is brutal.

I meet countless women who unwittingly prevent themselves from losing weight (or living their life happily) because of this need to “do it perfectly”.

When a perfectionist nibbles one biscuit, the mind-virus takes over, screaming, “You’ve totally blown it now, you may as well scoff the entire packet… eat everything in the pantry, why don’t you….you’re no longer perfect, right?”

Perfectionists tend to analyse, second-guess, and complicate the sh*t out of everything, which results in them forgetting to do the very thing they need to do to lose weight…

…..as in, DO something.

True or true, honey?!

Basically perfectionism is an excuse NOT to take action.

If you’re a perfectionista, you know the heavy truth. Another year passes. You’re still overweight.

From the bottom of my imperfectly-manicured magenta toenails it gives me great pleasure to share with you ….recovery is possible.

Here, take my hand…

Perfectionistas Anonymous

“My name is Avril, I’m a recovering perfectionist…. hello everyone.”

That’s the first step: awareness. Until you acknowledge a behaviour (and it is something you are doing), you can’t treat it. Well done.

And now you’re aware of the sneaky mind-virus you can start treatment.

Prescription for Little Miss Perfects

Replace perfectionism with imperfectionism. That’s it…become a Little Miss Imperfect and make progress your new target. It’ll set you free.

“How can something as simple as focusing on progress make a difference?” says the (former) perfectionist in you.

See.

There you go complicating the sh*t out of everything, again.

Stop it, sister!!!

Remember your new focus is progress. You’re Miss Imperfect, and proud of it.

Progress is tangible. It’s about being the best version of you. It means always looking for the next stretch or improvement. It’s about moving closer to your target one step at a time.

Six Unexpected Benefits of Becoming Little Miss Imperfect

– You finally see your inner critic (ego voice) for what it is…. your very own success prevention expert. Ouch.

– You lower the bar. You start to create in the moment, without any judgement. Fun, freedom and joy is allowed and you actually end up doing a fabulous job. How ironic.

– You focus your attention on the process itself. You quit obsessing about the outcome. Paradoxically, you increase your chance of success because you stay in the game.

– You get things done imperfectly. You tweak and fix and repeat. You become unstoppable.

– You finally understand there are no mistakes. Feedback is what it’s all about, baby.

– Yes, you do master your craft. You do achieve your weight loss goals. Because you gave yourself room to practice, you’re learning and growing, and you’re still taking action.

You’re moving closer to your weight goal because you aren’t over-complicating the sh*t out of everything. You’re being the best version of you.

Imperfect love, etc, Avril

PS:

A major stumbling block for women, especially women looking to lose weight, is the inability to say “no” without feeling very, very guilty.

For many of us, saying “no” triggers our deepest fear:

“Uh-oh, I’m not a nice person and other people will know I’m not nice.”

I’ve been there. Heck, I used to live there.

How about you, sweetheart?

We women are especially vulnerable to this erroneous thinking, caused by excessive (and unnecessary) concern for what other good folk think of us.

(Dear reader, you understand this principle is so much broader than ‘saying no to food’. This principle has butt-kicking power in every corner of your life).

Let’s do a quick check-in, shall we?

– Do you find yourself not wanting to confront, challenge or upset those around you?
– Are you always the peace keeper in your family or office?
-Do you constantly feel stretched by the demands of others?

…And yet, inexplicably, still can’t say “no”?

OK, now specifically around food…

Do you find yourself eating (even when you’re not hungry), just to keep your partner, parent or host happy?

It’s Not Your Fault

Many of us women are conditioned from birth to believe it’s feminine, motherly and somehow more attractive to put other people’s needs first.

And, if we don’t, then we’re being selfish.

Here’s the truth. The painful but ultimately very freeing truth, darlin’.

Behind every people-pleasing exterior stews resentment, frustration and fear.

People-pleasers take this stew, allow it to marinade, and direct it in on themselves.

It’s a recipe for a stressful existence.

Even though they might feel “a bit peeved” at the person to whom they said yes, when they meant no (again), really, it is annoyance at their own lack of voice, they’re frustrated with.

And, hello…

… you wonder why you’ve developed behaviours to numb this frustration and stress. Behaviours like overeating, for example.

Just Say No

Your happy-weight sisters are comfortable with saying “nope, not today thanks”. Whether it’s around food or other areas of their life.

They don’t eat just because someone wants them to. Sure, they go to parties, BBQs and eat out, yet they remain their happy weight because they are willing to say “non, merci” when their body isn’t in need of food.

They listen to their own voice, rather than allowing someone else to dictate your life.

The great news is learning to say no is a learned skill. Even if it’s been a challenge for you until now, you can quit being a people-pleaser, right now, with a little practice.

Your shrinking waist line, reduced stress levels and increased confidence will thank you for it.

Five Steps To Giving Good “No”

1. Pause

Next time you’re tempted by the easy path and the words “OK, yeah, right-o” are forming on your lips, while every fibre of you is screaming, “heck no’’…. P.A.U.S.E.

Pause and breathe.

And remember you have every right to say no. It’s your basic human right.

Next…say the two-lettered word.

2. Just Say It.

“No.”

It’s a complete sentence. Really, it is.

Say it with a calm, self-honouring smile.

A prettier alternative is, “No thanks, but thank you for asking, I really appreciate it”.

3. Ditch The Explanation

Many of us feel the need to give reasons for our decision, something akin to the homework excuse from school.

“Really sir, the dog ate it.”

You’re a big girl now. Instead, come from a space of nothing to defend, nothing to justify.

Sure you could explain if you think it’ll be helpful, but there’s no obligation. And sometimes it’s unhelpful.

Think about it. The other person is looking at the conversation with a completely different perspective and they may be disappointed.

And that’s okay, they’ll deal with it.

4. Start Small

First start saying “no way, José” to small things. You’ll build your confidence and gather positive reference points as you go.

Remember by saying no to someone else you are saying yes to your own voice. Your own healthy, sparkly self.

5. “Uh-oh…I accidentally said yes”

Or “I said yes but I’ve changed my mind.”

Relax. It happens.

You always have the opportunity to change your mind. What’s the point in having one unless you change it from time to time?

You’ll Create More Space In Your Life

Once you start saying no with ease you’ll wonder how you survived without it.

And that’s the thing really, isn’t it?

If you can’t say ‘no’ you’re so busy doing stuff you don’t really want to do that ‘surviving’ is an apt description of your life.

Who wants to survive? Wouldn’t you rather thrive? There’s a big difference.

By saying no, you’ll be doing less of what you don’t want, which leaves more time for what you DO want. Bring on the thriving… yeah, bay bee!

With practice you’ll easily get to the stage where your first answer is your genuine, heartfelt desire. It’ll become automatic.

Initially your voice may shake around the unfamiliar two-letter syllable. Let it.

Notice how liberating it feels to speak your truth.

Notice too, how people start to treat you with more respect as you treat yourself with more respect.

And watch as your decisions are reflected in the decreasing number on your scales.

So, YOU, classy chica – how do you say no. What works for you? What hasn’t worked in the past? Share and inspire, and add to the mix in the comments section below.

Love etc, Avril

‘Should’ is a perfidious little word.

It seems so innocent. Do NOT be fooled by its trickster-ish ways.

Every time we use ‘should’, whether with ourselves or with someone else, we’re effectively saying “Uh-uh….wrong…not quite good enough”.

There’s a heaviness to it. A limited-ness. And a distinct lack of choice.

Recently I was out running when my watch indicated my pace was slower than usual. Generously, I figured it was because of the hill I was cresting.

But because I’m a coach, and I know that the ancestor to every action is thought, I figured I’d enquire as to what was circulating in my head.

Here’s what I discovered…I was should-ing all over myself.

“C’mon Avril, you should get a wriggle on and get up this hill …. hurry up, you have to file your tax return…..you should collect the washing, there’s rain on the horizon…you SHOULD……..you HAVE TO ……”

You get the picture. Heavy and uninspiring.

Little wonder my pace was laboured and slugglish.

Through the sweaty ache of my quads, I had a blinding flash of lucidity.

It was a real perception shifter.

It was this…

A dear friend of mine recently lost her husband to cancer. He was 35.

I thought about how much he’d love to have the opportunity to tackle this monster hill.

I imagined how delighted he’d be to have the liberty to calculate his tax return.

I figured he’d relish the chance to race the rain, and bring in the washing, one more time.

Instead of chugging through his To Do list in a moan-y fashion, he’d likely say, “Tremendous… today I feel well enough to get to tackle this hill…bring it on!”

The fact is, you and I are here, right now, and the 154,138 people who have died today, are not.

What would they give to have just one more moment here with healthy legs, with beating heart, with hills to climb?

I have no magic wand. I cannot bring him back. But I can learn from him.

How?

By changing one word.

There I was midway up the hill, panting on the pavement, and I replaced ” should” with “get to”.

“I get to run up this hill.”

It made ALL the difference in the world.

Compare and contrast, “I really should lose weight” with “I get to lose weight”. Or even better, “I choose to lose weight.”

Feel the difference?

See how much lighter, more inviting and infinitely more do-able “I get to” is?

At first it might feel forced and a bit silly. After a few days it will feel natural. You’ll feel freer, more thoughtful and more aware of why you do what you do.

Sometimes we become so encumbered by our To Do List or our Should List we forget to be thankful for the opportunity to be here to complete them.

It’s the smallest thing, but it has the power of something big. It’s a shift in perspective that can open your head and your heart and help you lose weight.

And if you choose to, you get to try it on ; )

Share and inspire us. What are you going to change on your Should List? What are you going to get to do or choose to do instead?

Love etc, Avril

Do you have inner sparkle?

That is the question.

The answer is yes, sweetheart… you do.

But to be absolutely certain, you should first read these words.

They’ve been written for you. Personally.

Do you remember? Once you were a little girl. You were told how to do your hair, what to wear. How to talk, how to say hello.

Your movements, your language, your style, your very self, were all controlled by adults.

At that time there wasn’t much room for you. The world was run by others, the grown-ups.

Then inevitably, you too grew up.

You began to be interested in how you fitted into the world. You wanted to look like one or other of your friends. Maybe like a film star or a photo of a singer in a magazine. You tried to find your own identity: a role in which you could express yourself.

So you followed the trends. You took up one fashion, then the next, then the next…

And where are you today?

Today, you suddenly remember that such a thing as inner sparkle exists.

Women with sparkle can be found on every continent, in every country. They are immediately recognisable.

In Africa, in the Americas, in Asia, in Europe, in a jungle tribe or at the top of a sky scraper, women with inner sparkle are the most remarkable of them all.

Why? They are everywhere at ease. Everything suits them.

Women with inner sparkle seem more free, less predictable. They have the power to astonish.

“How do they manage it? What is their secret? Were they born lucky? Have the stars helped them?”

No, it’s not a question of chance or a lucky star sign. There are three billion women on mother nature’s green earth. ALL of us are born with inner sparkle.

But many of us lose our inner sparkle as we hit the sharp edges of life, and that bounce in our stride is lost.

It’s so easy to forget that we ALL have inner sparkle. All you have to do is act like everyone else, think like everyone else and listen to everyone else’s opinions.

So, you forget who YOU really are. You forget you have your own tastes, desires, dislikes, rejections.

You forget to be yourself. And your inner sparkle vanishes into thin air.

Inner sparkle deserts women who behave like everyone else.

The first lesson of inner sparkle is to Just. Be. You.

Try it.

Now.

Close your eyes for a few moments.

Can you feel it?

There are incredible aspects deep within you.

Impulses, thoughts, ideas. They have great value. They give you YOUR value.

Until now, you’ve kept them to yourself.

Suppose you express them?

Suppose you no longer allow others to decide for you what’s beautiful or ugly, the ‘done’ thing, right or wrong?

Suppose you decide to give much greater importance to your senses, your feelings, your heart.

And less to habit, custom, social codes, “what will the (curtain-twitching) neighbours say”…

Of course, it’s a bit scary.

You hesitate. You’re afraid of making a fool of yourself, of being criticised.

Yet the worst danger of all for any chica is to lose her inner sparkle.

No, you will not make a fool of yourself… you will BE yourself. You won’t be ostracised, you will charm.

Who? Almost everyone, and most importantly, YOURSELF.

When? Immediately.

Inner sparkle is inexplicable. All you have to do is dream, believe and act. And if you’re afraid, so much the better…the butterflies make it all the more exciting.

Improvise.

Learn in a moment what no-one taught you as a child. The contrary of what you were taught.

No imitation.

Be YOU. Your inner sparkle abounds. Set it free.

Sparkly love etc, Avril