Archives July 2011

“That voice in your head is not the voice of God. It just sounds like it is.” Cheri Huber

Nothing takes the wind out of our sails more quickly than a few critical comments made by the wrong person at the wrong time.

How ironic then that the worst critic you’ll ever encounter is the one living rent-free in your own gorgeous head.

Ah-ha….you know what I’m talking about.

Imagine this…

You’re strolling down the street and a stranger yells, “Hey you…yeeeah you there…ya hopeless, undeserving lump of good-for-nothingness… that’s what you are.”

Nass-tay.

You’d respond, right? Of course you would. Something witty. And big and clever.

Since you’re a classy chica and pavement yelling matches are un-cool, you might not respond aloud but you’d certainly ‘talk back’ in your mind.

Which begs the question…..

Why don’t we talk back to the critic yelling in our own head?

Day after day, WE crucify OURSELVES with finger-pointing nass-tay-ness.
And don’t we don’t respond. (Either aloud OR in our minds).

We take it on the chin and, like anyone who’s been subjected to a barrage of criticism, we feel bruised and battered and, swiftly we head for the fridge, the vending machine or that third helping of chocolate cake.

Well, don’t we?!

Speaking to you as a reformed emotional overeater it is absolutely vital that you learn to have a meaningful conversation with your inner critic.

If you don’t learn how to ‘talk back’ and question the validity of its accusations, you’ll continue to hen-peck yourself with finger-pointing monologues.

And unabated… the overeating will continue.

Accusations of The Inner Critic

Our inner critics are very conversationally limited. The usual topic is you and your apparent imperfections.

– Unless you’re Size 0 perfection, you’re deeply deeply flawed.
– If they knew the ‘real’ you, they’d leave you.
– You’re NOT GOOD ENOUGH, so bring on the lack of confidence.
– It’s only time before they ALL find out you’re a fake.
– If you fail at something, it’s because YOU’RE a failure.

How’d you go?

If you ticked all of the above accusations and added a bunch of your own, you’re in good company.

Look at this exercise with a mindset of curiosity. It’s NOT a chance to beat yourself up. Awareness is 95% of the puzzle. You can ONLY change something once you are aware of it.

How To Tame Your Inner Critic

Here’s a gem of wisdom that can transform your life in an instant.

Just because you have a voice in your head – YOU DON’T NEED TO LISTEN TO IT.

Nah-aah!!!

You are NOT the conversation you have with yourself in your mind.

You may be thinking, “What conversation? What is she talking about?”

That one!

How would you like to disengage from the exhausting mental chatter?

Let’s go…

Here’s three tips you can use immediately to mute your inner critic so you can get on with igniting your thinner sparkle.

1. Next, please

The next time your head fills with disapproving voices, simply tell yourself, “next, please”. Remember, just because there’s a voice in our head doesn’t mean we have to listen to its pontifications.

You’d wouldn’t listen to a CD you don’t enjoy, so why would you listen to thoughts in your head that don’t serve you?

“Next, please.”

It’s YOUR head, you get to chose which tracks to play. Take ownership. Chose wisely and kindly.

2. Sod off, right now

Some clients take the strong language approach to handling their inner critics.

“Sod off!!!” works particularly well for one client.

Another tells her persistent negative thoughts to Foxtrot-Uniform-Charlie-Kilo Off. ..

Find out what works for you. Get creative and discover what specific wording gets you into a good resourceful emotional space when the inner critic kicks in.

3. Thank you

If “Next, please” or the stronger “Yo, take a running jump” approaches don’t work for you, there is a more graceful way.

One of the key roles of your unconscious mind is to keep you safe, which it achieves by keeping you in your comfort zone. Recognise the intention of the critical voice is positive.

And sometimes the three-year-old child in us all simply needs to hear, “Thank you, I hear you, I love you” and having heard this, off it will pop and play quietly.

Over the next week pay particular attention to how you talk to yourself. I encourage you to play and start having a chat with your inner critic.

Quit The Self-Abuse

It’s a curious aspect of human behaviour. We are always willing to take more abuse from ourselves than we would ever accept from anyone else.

With these three techniques you can quit subjecting yourself to self abuse. And start doing unto YOURSELF as you would have others do unto you.

Life is short.

And it’s also too darned long to live in a body at your unhappy weight or carry an inner voice that is critical.

So go on….have a chat with your inner critic and get your thinner sparkle on.

Love etc, Avril

“If you could kick the person in the trousers responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.” Mr & Mrs Anonymous

Let me ask you something laydees.

How many of you do stuff that is completely incongruent with your weight loss goals?

You’re smart enough to recognise this stuff as being detrimental…..and yet….you DO IT ANYWAY?

Doh!

“I ordered pizza AND fries? I was going to order salad.”
“Ohhh helicopter, I hit the snooze button instead of hitting the gym.”
“Scoffing a bag of jetplanes isn’t ideal but …um…well……mañana I’ll eat fruit…”

Logically we know exactly what we need to do (and to stop doing) to lose weight … and yet like some numpty:

We. Still. Do. The. Very. Thing. That. Prevents. Us. From. Being. Our. Happy. Weight.

No erudite chica would purposefully do something that keeps ‘em from their goal weight.

Or would they…

Why? Why? Why?

Here’s why.

Whenever you do something that moves you away from your weight loss goal you’re in the grasp of a juicy payoff.

You want that in English?

It means you perceive more pain around change, than you do pain around staying the same (key word here is ‘perceive). Because of this perception, you do crazy stuff which keeps you in the same ole spin cycle.

Phew. . . so this craziness has a name?

Yup.

The key to appreciating our payoffs is this:

You’re getting something out of it. Read that again, it’s important you get this, gorgeous one.

Everything we do…even the detrimental stuff… we do because we GET SOMETHING OUT OF IT.

Don’t bother telling yourself that you are the exception to this rule.
There are zero exceptions to this rule.
If you breathe …you’re under the influence, sweetheart.

I’ll say it one more time.

No juicy payoff, no repetition. Period.

“But I reaaaaaaaaaaally want to lose weight.” I know you do, darling.

At least consciously you want to. Remember though… our actions stem from the unconscious mind.

When you sabotage it’s because your unconscious mind reckons there’s benefits to staying overweight.

I know you’re thinking, “Well that’s just crazy because there’s NOTHING I like about being overweight,” but hang in there with me for a second.

This is where it gets really interesting.

Here’s a bunch of the most commonly-cited payoffs from my clients. Which of the following ring bells for you?

If I lost weight:

– It’d change the dynamics of my relationships. I’d probably leave him or have an affair.
– I’d have to get out of my comfort zone and that’s scares the sh*t outta me.
– I don’t know who I would be I’ve been overweight for so long.
– I’d need to deal with conflict rather than hiding.
– I’d have to learn to say no to people, opportunities and food.
– I need to handle rejection and learn how to deal with bad days without food.
– I might have to look at other areas of my life that aren’t working.
– It’d make all those people who have criticised my weight “right”.
– I’d have to take responsibility for myself.
– I might still be unhappy.

Essentially we’re giving ourselves mixed messages: the conscious one, “I want to lose weight’’, and the unconscious one, “yeah, if I lose weight then I don’t get to hide” (or whatever it is for you).

No wonder we do sabotage-y stuff!

Here’s how to eliminate this destructive, illogical, cray zay behaviour. Nail this and you’re removing one of the biggest obstacles to you being your happy weight.

Step 1: Get real about what your payoff is. There might be more than one.

Next time you even consider embarking on a destructive behaviour (or you catch yourself smack bang in the midst of said harmful behaviour), ask yourself:

“What am I getting out of doing this?
“What do I get to avoid by staying the same?”
“What are the benefits of not losing weight?”

And think, darling. Really dive down beyond the shallow waters.

We ALWAYS know why we’re doing crazy stuff and how it is serving us. Sometimes, we’ve just forgotten or don’t want to admit it to ourselves because if we live in denial we get to stay the same and we humans LOVE familiarity.

Be gentle.

It is vital that you’re gentle with yourself when you’re exploring you’re payoffs. No need to beat yourself up. They were originally installed as self-protection and survival mechanisms, they had a positive intention.

Safety’s a big one.

Let’s go back to caveman days for a second. The feeling of a full stomach was a biological signal of comfort in that, for the moment at least, we’d avoided the famine. We were safe from harm.

Fast forward to now and, take it one step further, we get that same feeling of ‘safety’ whenever any uncomfortable or unfamiliar feeling threatens to take us over.

And here’s the interesting twist.

If we grab for a comforting food fast enough, we can avoid consciously feeling that unpleasant emotion in the first place.

Interesting, isn’t it?

Step 2: Hold yourself accountable and look at the big fat cost.

When you find yourself doing the old thing…..STOP.

Congratulate yourself for noticing that you were running that old, crappy, unresourceful habit.

And ask yourself this: “Am I prepared to pay the price this behaviour will cost me in the long term?”

Ouch.

It’s breathtaking how quickly the appeal of overeating is lost when you are honest with yourself and you see the impact on your health and confidence, versus some ephemeral oral sensation.

So there you go, darling.

You now have a couple of carefully-crafted questions which, when used, will free you from the hostage-holding shackles of your unconscious mind and allow you to move towards your happy weight easily and effortlessly.

Remember you have to USE these questions. Knowing them and not using them will not help you lose weight. Knowledge – WITH ACTION – will bring results.

Let us know in the comments section what payoffs have until now been holding you back and, what action you’re going to take, right now? Inspire us all with what’s going to be different now. Share and we’ll keep you accountable : )

Juicy love etc, Avril

PS: If you’re sitting there saying, “none of those payoffs ring any bells for me”, it’s probably the old power of familiarity.  If you’ve been overweight for years, it’s VERY familiar! Human beings have a deeply coded need for familiarity, so track down a new way of providing consistency and familiarity… something with fewer calories : )

“Sometimes it is necessary to re-teach a thing its loveliness.” Galway Kinnell.

Sweet heart … which of these sound familiar?

“When I’ve lost 5 / 25 / 50 kgs, then I’ve love my body.”

“I’ll love myself when I’m sassier, slimmer and seeeeexier.”

If you found yourself nodding along with any of the above, permanent weight loss is not going to be easy for you.

Here’s why…

When you tell yourself stories like “I’ll love my butt when it’s the perfect peach,” you’re giving yourself conditional love.

And no-one, your good-self-included, responds to conditional love. No-one.

If you’re giving yourself conditional love you will stymie all attempts to become your happy weight. Because love-with-conditions-attached uncovers the rebellious, self-sabotaging four-year old in us all.

You know the one. That vulnerable youngster who simply yearns to be loved for who she is, right now… not for her achievements….not for how she looks… and definitely, not for how much she weighs.

What is conditional love?

Conditional love is saying “I don’t love you. Well, not yet anyway. Sure if you make some changes, then I’ll consider loving you. But right now, you’re not good enough for my love.”

Ouch.

Imagine if a boy said those words to you. You’d walk away. You’d wouldn’t give him a second glance. .. well, you would, wouldn’t you?!

And yet we do it to ourselves. All. The. Time.

Conditional love is really about beating yourself up. It’s about judgement, shame, hate and force. And it does NOT lead to weight loss.

It’s an odd concept really….if I hate myself enough, I’d end up by loving myself^$#%*!!!

If you’re sitting there saying, “It’s not that I don’t like myself, I’m a ‘foodie’. That’s all. I overeat because I like the taste of food.”

Let me ask you this:

“What do you do when you love something?”

You pay attention to it.
You take time with it.
You want to be present for every second of the enjoyment.

So let me ask you another question….”How does overeating lead to enjoyment?”

Well…..um…..it doesn’t.

Overeating leads to your tummy feeling distended and you feeling so sick you can’t think of anything except how full you are.

How’s that love? It’s more like self-abuse.

Eating is about enjoyment and nourishing your body and soul. Overeating is not.

So what is the answer then?

Change happens NOT by conditional-strings-attached “I’ll love you when you weigh less” love.

Change happens when you come from a position of acceptance, knowing that you already are perfect, whole and complete, right now. Change happens when you begin to REALLY inhibit your body with love and any option except taking care of it is unthinkable.

It is this 100% self-acceptance keeps the rebellious four-year-old happy and the self-sabotage away.

And this is where Kinnel’s delightful words resonate:

“Sometimes it is necessary to re-teach a thing its loveliness.”

Our broken-ness is learned, not innate. Children come into this world knowing they are already gorgeous and utterly deserving of love. We need to un-learn the illusion of our broken-ness.

Only kindness makes sense. Anything else is excruciating. We need to take care of our bodies with reverence instead of stuffing them.

Be curious.
Be gentle.
Be engaged.

Without cynicism, the hopelessness, the anger.

Two Wonderful ‘Getting Back To Love’ Recovery Questions

We all have days where we trip and fall despite our best intentions. Here are two fabulous recovery questions which you can ask yourself if you feel yourself slipping into the old pattern of beating yourself up.

– How would love respond?

– What’s the most loving thing I can do right now?

What Would You Do For Love?

Answer the following question with as many responses as you can which reflect how you’re going to celebrate honouring yourself. Poor yourself a glass of something yum, grab a pen and paper and celebrate you.

– I love myself enough to….

How To Practice Unconditional Love.

As you’ve learned today the most nourishing kind of love is unconditional. The great news is you can feel as much of it as you like by feeling it for someone else (cos let’s face it, sometimes it can feel a bit of a stretch to feel it for ourselves).

Try this now: think of someone (or something, yes it could be your dawg), you adore unconditionally. Focus your mind on that person (or woofer) and feel how much love you have for them. Let it build and build and build. Really feel it. Breathe it in and keep appreciating how wonderful they are. How good does that feel?

By giving unconditional love to someone else, you get to feel as much of it as you like. Because by GIVING you are always RECEIVING.

If you want to feel love, give love.

Only love will ignite your thinner sparkle. Get ready to fall truly, crazily, gorgeously and – with every fibre of your being – in love with yourself.

Unconditional love etc, Avril

Have you ever wondered what makes some people super duper successful and others…well, not so much?

We all know stories of uber successful folks who have come from zip: zero education, unfortunate family circumstances, no money … and have made it BIG, bay bee.

And we also know others who are smart, capable and talented, but who never quite…well…..um… seem to fulfill their potential. They’re always struggling to get it together.

I’ve given this a lot of thought lately, and I think it comes down to this….there are two kinds of people in the world.

And no… it’s not cat people versus dog people…….

Seriously now.

The two kinds of people: those who have reasons and those who have results.

The folks who have ‘reasons’ have countless excuses (in which they are breathtakingly fluent) about why they don’t have happiness and success in life in general, and weight loss, specifically.

– I can’t lose weight because I’m too busy with work and the kids.
– I can’t make a lot of money because self-promotion “just isn’t me.”
– I can’t have a great relationship because all the good guys are already taken.

You probably have someone like this in your life.

Talented. Well-intentioned.  And a total non-action taker!

She’s got a truck load of excuses for Ev Re Blar D Thing. Hang around her for more than 20 minutes and she makes you want to shake her.

Contrast Miss Reasons Galore with someone else you know who gets results.

Notice Miss Successful doesn’t let any ‘reason’ (aka excuse) get in the way of producing what she wants.

Sure Miss Successful has challenges like everyone else, but somehow, she finds a way to overcome them and keep truckin’ ahead.

Instead of making excuses, she gets to work, takes action, solves problems and simply makes things happen.

Yee haaah!

Now here’s where this gets interesting…

This is not some pre-determined trait. In any given moment, you get to CHOOSE which kind of person you want to be. You can choose to be a person who has a stack of “reasons” why you’re not where you should be in your life, your career, your relationship and your weight loss . . .

Or … you can choose to drop all those bull sh*t reasons and be the kind of person who’s known for getting RESULTS.

Yes. It’s really that simple. So what will you choose?

Here’s a couple of Qs to help you see where you’re playing the ‘reasons’ card without your conscious consent.

Have a good look at yourself and your life. Be as honest as you can. How do you play the “reasons” white card and shirk responsibility in your life?

Dig deep to find specific examples for the questions.

– Do you revert back to a child around your parents, and then blame them? How  specifically?

– Do you wait until the kids are driving you crazy before you commence discipline…then blame the children for your frustration … or your partner for their lack of parenting?

– Do you hesitate to tell your partner what you want emotionally, sexually or generally within the relationship and then blame them for your discontent?

– Do you regularly complain about things? If so, what exactly?

– How do you blame others for your unhappiness? In what ways?

– Do you find yourself being judgemental of others or yourself? In what situations?

– Do you hide your true feelings in case they upset someone else? (I’m not suggesting that we need to express ALL of our feelings ALL of the time – and certainty not without regard for others. I am suggesting that when we hide our feelings out of fear of consequence, we are living a victim’s existence).

– Are you living your life as you genuinely want to live it?

How was that darling? A bit ouchy? It’s OK. You’re right where you need to be.

Rest assured that you can ONLY become empowered when you are aware of the ways in which your own voice of of ‘reason’ is limiting you. We find our little victim ‘reasons’ voice in a multitude of hiding places, hidden behind resentment, frustration, or the quiet peacekeeper…until it explodes!

Give yourself the gift of NOT focusing on your reasons or drama or victimhood again.

As we become more aware of how we play the ‘reason’ card, we become instantly empowered to create something different.

When the going is good anyone can get results. It’s only when we’re personally challenged that we’re put to the test. I like to believe that when the sh*t hits, it’s nature’s way of saying that we’re ready for this and let the steel and resolve kick in &*%^&#$%!!!!

Know this. Everyone has bad weeks. Everyone. It’s what you do with them that matters.

Will you choose reasons or results?

Love and results (and the occasional ‘reason’), Avril